


To Whom It May Concern

by timetobegin



Category: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, M/M, Slow Burn, Youtuber AU, in which i got an idea and it gained a life of its own, just to manage expectations, somewhat minor abby/leah, spierfeld
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-06-29 22:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15738588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timetobegin/pseuds/timetobegin
Summary: Simon Spier is a music nerd who makes YouTube videos. Bram Greenfeld is a comics nerd who makes YouTube videos. They also happen to be emailing one another anonymously. Everything comes to a head when they both attend VidCon.Title/chapter titles taken from "To Whom It May Concern" by the Civil Wars aka the Spierfeld anthem.(Yes, I know everyone is doing one of these. I don't even care.)Complete!





	1. Why are you so far from me?

“…So give me a like if you enjoyed the song, and leave a comment down below with what I should cover next!” Simon paused and glanced down at the post it on the chord sheet for the song. “Oh! And I’m making it to VidCon this year! I’m speaking on a couple panels, but I’m also going to be hosting a few meetups, so if any of you are going to be there, you should definitely come and say hello! Also, I’m going to be playing a set at a concert on Friday afternoon, I think I’m going on at 3:30? All the info will be in the description.”

 

Simon flashed a big cheesy grin, winked, and pointed double finger guns at the camera. “Don’t let the muggles get you down!” Then, chuckling to himself, he turned the camera off. His outro was a bit ridiculous, but he loved it. When he’d uploaded his first real, chatty vlog (something that wasn’t just a song cover), he’d panicked and done the finger guns along with the catchphrase he’d thought of. His viewers had seemed to find it hilarious, so he kept it, and now, more than a year later, it was a bit like an inside joke.

 

He stretched, then picked his ukulele off the floor and put it back in its case on his dresser. Even though the rest of his room was basically a disaster, he always made sure to put his ukulele away. No matter how much Nick made fun of him for it being a guitar for wimps, it was still one of Simon’s most prized possessions. His uke and his camera would be top on his list for making Horcruxes.

 

Not that he’d ever thought seriously about what objects he’d make into Horcruxes.

 

Well, not that he’d told anyone.

 

He stretched and glanced at the clock. It was still pretty early—he’d been able to get a good take of “The Con” faster than he thought he would. The video didn’t need to go up til tomorrow anyway, so he decided to put off editing for a bit. Even though he’d been doing this for over a year, Simon still wasn’t super used to staring at his own face and listening to himself talk for hours as he cut his footage into something he could upload.

 

Plus, this was the first Tegan and Sara song Simon had done. He really hoped no one would put two and two together. He was probably just being paranoid, but his anxiety was enough to make him want to put off editing, anyway.

 

Instead, he texted Nick.

_I’m uploading a song tomorrow, so I am fully anticipating a mass of comments asking for your presence in the near future_

_My viewers like you more than me_

_You up for filming with me soon? :D_

Nick texted back almost immediately. He was probably engaged in his usual Saturday afternoon activity of playing Call of Duty with Leah, but Nick never hesitated to pause a video game for his friends.

 

_Ugh just as long as you keep me away from the comments this time_

_If I see another post about how much some random twelve year old girl ships us, I might throw up_

Simon felt his good mood deflate just a bit.

 

_Lol I promise_

He tossed his phone onto his bed, startling Bieber, then sat at his desk, and opened his laptop.

 

The thing was, the idea of someone shipping him and Nick also made Simon nauseated. But he couldn’t tell if Nick didn’t like the thought of being in love with Simon, or the thought of being gay.

 

It was probably the former, but he wouldn’t know unless he asked, which he probably wouldn’t be brave enough to do until he came out.

 

And who knew when that would be.

 

As he waited for his footage to upload to his computer, his phone buzzed dully, sound muffled by the comforter, and he got a desktop notification that he had a new email.

 

His heart sped up.

 

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 2, 2018 at 2:18 pm

SUBJECT: I’m glad you like awkward people

 

Okay, I have to confess that I like some old white guy shiterature, but I like a lot of other stuff, too. I’ve been really into graphic novels lately. Anyway, you’re probably right—it’s probably safer to avoid any of the details. My favorite memory. Hmm.

 

Okay. I don’t know if this counts, because it’s not really a specific memory (also, it’s really nerdy. Like, REALLY nerdy. Brace yourself). So, in elementary school, I used to really love the first day of school. You know how you were so excited to get your puppy, you couldn’t even sleep? That was me on the last night of summer, every single year. I’m pretty sure the excitement was 99 percent school supply-related. I love school supplies so much, Jacques. They are so crisp and hopeful, and they always make me feel like THIS is going to be my year.

 

Do you think buying school supplies will be the same for college? I mean, I won’t need colored pencils anymore (though, why those were still on our supply lists for high school, I will never understand), but I also can’t help but feel like it’ll be different. I think I’ll feel kind of stupid and childish for being excited about them in college. I don’t know.

 

But Jacques, your dog story is so ridiculously cute. I can totally picture it. I’m thinking beagle, right? A TINY SLEEPY BEAGLE PUPPY? Now I just want to hold him and maybe wrap him up in a blanket and feed him one kibble of dog food at a time. I love dogs so much. I’ve never had one, but I’ve wanted one my whole life. So, I guess your dog must be seven or eight now? Give him a hug from me.

 

\--Blue

 

Simon couldn’t keep the grin off his face. He just couldn’t help it. He could sort of imagine (but not quite, because he didn’t know what Blue looked like) little middle school Blue lying awake the night before school, heart racing. Blue was right, it was incredibly nerdy, but it was also maybe one of the cutest things Simon had ever heard.

 

Blue never failed to make Simon smile. They’d been mutuals on Tumblr for a while—Simon’s private blog, not the one connected to his channel—when he’d noticed Blue posting these beautiful, half poetic posts about being gay, and loneliness and isolation. About how you can never really know people, but you need to try anyway.

 

Simon just needed to know him. It wasn’t even just the gay thing. So he messaged him through Tumblr, and they started talking. Then they exchanged emails. Again, Simon used his private one so there would be no way to trace it back to Simon Spier, somewhat famous vlogger. Plus, he’d noticed Blue had reblogged his videos a couple times. Which, aside from making his heart beat a little faster, also made the need for caution and anonymity kind of important.

 

But he didn’t mind. It was just so amazing to have someone to talk to who _understood._

 

He was still smiling as he crafted his reply.

 

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 2, 2018 at 2:30 pm

SUBJECT: I’m glad you’re glad that I like awkward people

 

Well, Blue, I don’t want to assume anything here, but I’m kind of getting the vibe you were one of those kids who sniffs school supplies. No judgement, though. School supplies are so crisp and hopeful, it’s true. It’s such a shame we have to ruin them with school. Okay, I’m calling it. Best school supply: the compass. Remember those? The circles I drew with that thing were round as hell.

 

I’m not sure what supply shopping will be like for college. I’ll be buying them along with all sorts of other stuff though, like for my dorm room. Which is crazy to think about. So, for me, I don’t think new pens will make the list to be excited about. Notebooks, maybe. Maybe I’ll get one in every color of the rainbow. (Get it? Rainbow? I’m so hilarious, Blue.)

 

Not a beagle! But I guess I shouldn’t tell you what kind of dog he actually is, with the anonymity thing and everything. I’ll just say he’s bigger than a chihuahua and smaller than a Great Dane. That should narrow it down, right? I’ll definitely give him a hug from you, though he is solidly passed out and snoring. On my bed, too. What a jerk. I’m gonna go spoon with him now.

 

\--Jacques

 

Simon double checked that everything was decently grammatical and hit send, heart still beating fast. It kind of sucked that they had to be so careful, but neither of them was out and both of them were a bit paranoid. Blue just seemed like a careful person, but if Simon’s secret leaked it would be all over the internet.

 

Or at least, all over his part of the internet, which would be enough.

 

And as much as he wanted to send Blue a picture of his dog (or himself with his dog), Bieber had been in enough videos that Blue might recognize him. He wasn’t sure whether Blue watched his channel all the time, but Simon wasn’t willing to risk it.

 

Or, if the picture somehow made it into the wrong hands (not that he didn’t trust Blue, but the internet was a scary place), someone somewhere could definitely recognize him. And then the secret would be out.

 

Not that Simon was afraid of coming out, exactly. He just wanted it to be on his terms. And he kind of wished it didn’t have to be a big deal, but he knew it would be, especially for his parents, who freaked out at every life event, no matter how minor. They couldn’t handle that he was drinking coffee in the mornings. He shuddered to think what they’d be like when he told them he was gay.

 

Anyway, he thought as he cuddled up next to his dog, anonymous was better for now. No matter how much he sometimes wished it wasn’t.

 

* * *

 

**The Con (Tegan and Sara cover)**

**3569 views**

**Simon Says, Sing!**

**Published on June 3, 2018**

**After y’all asking for literal YEARS, I finally did a Tegan and Sara cover. I hope you’re happy.**

**VidCon things:**

**SHOW MORE**

 

As sad as it was, sometimes the highlight of Bram’s week was when Simon Spier uploaded a video. At least, that was definitely true before he and Jacques started emailing. Either way, Bram spent much of his day thinking about one of two boys.

 

And lately, he got more and more of a feeling that they were maybe the same boy.

 

Bram clicked the replay button on the video, partly because Simon was irresistible when he was singing and partly to ignore the rapid beating of his heart for a little longer.

 

Simon Spier was going to VidCon.

 

It wouldn’t be that big of a deal, except Bram was also going to VidCon. Since he’d made the honor roll for his first semester of his senior year (for the seventh time), his parents agreed that VidCon could be his graduation present (as long as Garrett went with him, and they texted frequently saying they were safe and happy). It helped that they didn’t have to pay for his ticket, just his flight. They were proud of him and his channel, even though they definitely did not understand his obsession with comics, superheroes, and graphic novels. They were especially happy that making videos had not hurt his grades.

 

Bram tried to lose himself in Simon’s voice, which was higher than most guys’. Bram almost never knew the songs Simon covered, because they were all either indie or alternative artists or songs from musicals.  Bram was not as into music as Simon clearly was, but he always loved the songs Simon sang, both based on their own merit and the fact that Simon was the one singing them.

 

Bram knew he had a problem, but he couldn’t help it. The more he watched Simon’s videos and the more he emailed with Jacques, the more convinced he became that Simon was Jacques. It was probably wishful thinking on his part, but there were a lot of coincidences starting to pile up.

 

For one thing, there was his channel name. Simon Says. _Jacques a dit._ It didn’t take a rocket scientist.

 

For another, Simon’s and Jacques’s taste in music were eerily similar in genre and tone, though there wasn’t much direct overlap in the songs Simon posted and the songs Jacques recommended. (Bram added them all to a secret playlist on his Spotify after triple checking his privacy settings to make sure no one would be able to see it. Even so, he just called it “Good Vibes” like the coward that he was, instead of “Songs from the boy with whom I may or may not be in love”.)

 

Jacques also had a very distinct way of writing that was fairly similar to Simon’s way of talking.

 

In addition to all that, Simon never indicated any interest in girls, even though he seemed to be close with a few very pretty ones. Even though he didn’t have a ton of subscribers, Simon’s fans were very passionate about whether they shipped Simon with Leah, Abby, or Taylor. (There were also plenty who shipped him with Nick, but Bram knew that didn’t mean anything. The internet shipped straight boys with their equally straight friends all the time.)

 

Bram thought (or hoped) they were all crazy. With almost all YouTubers, even the ones who weren’t public about their relationships, you could always tell when they were dating someone. They spent a disproportionate amount of time with them, and there was usually a certain vibe when they were on screen together. Simon looked like he loved his friends, but they never had a spark. (Plus, anyone with eyes in their head could see that Abby and Leah had a thing for each other.)

 

Bram was well aware that this level of scientific analysis was completely pathetic. He was also completely aware that this could be wishful thinking, but Jacques seemed to be leaving a lot of clues, and a lot of them seemed to point to Simon Spier.

 

Simon Spier, who was going to VidCon.

 

For the first time, they would be in the same place. Bram could ask him if he was Jacques, if he had the guts.

 

The problem was, anything involving guts usually made him feel ill. What if Simon wasn’t Jacques? What if he was, but he didn’t like Bram the way Bram liked him? What if he did like Bram, they started going out, and everyone found out he was gay?

 

Trying to push the queasy feeling from his stomach, Bram typed “simon says waltz 2” into the search bar, hoping that his favorite Simon cover would maybe help him calm down a little bit.

 

The video had no intro, and the quality wasn’t as good as Simon’s newer stuff, but Bram loved it anyway. Leah, who featured more in Simon’s chatty videos than his music ones, started the beat on the drums, then Nick picked up on guitar. Simon, Abby, and Nick did the vocals, their voices blending in an unreal-sounding harmony. They looked like they were somewhere as mundane as a school music room, just a few talented friends having a jam session that happened to be caught on video. It also happened to be incredible.

 

Bram paid real attention to the words, because focusing on them instead of just letting his mind wander would, you know, keep his mind from wandering. That was how, about two minutes into the song, he heard it.

 

_But I’m doing just fine_

_Hour to hour, note to note_

Bram’s heart, which had not really slowed in the first place, started beating quickly again. He rolled the video back a few seconds, just to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating. Then he checked his email, just to make sure he had not somehow been reading ~~Simon’s~~ Jacques’s account wrong this whole time. No, there at the top of his inbox was an email from hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com. Then, for the thousandth time, Bram read the description of the video, even though he had it memorized.

 

**Just a cover of one of my favorite songs. Hope you like**

 

Bram couldn’t breathe. What were the chances that two different guys knew and loved a song by a man who’d died when they were kids?

 

Simon was Jacques. Jacques was Simon.

 

Maybe.

 

It was the sliver of doubt that kept Bram from emailing Jacques immediately and asking. He also didn’t want Jacques to get mad at him for working so hard to figure it out when they’d agreed to keep it anonymous.

 

Bram also couldn’t shake the feeling that if he said anything, if anything changed, he might lose Jacques and the emails. That was too much to even consider.

 

He would keep his mouth (well, his fingers) shut. He closed the browser windows for YouTube and his email and forced himself to get back to his next video’s script. Diving into the newly released first volume of _Moonstruck_ would take his mind off both Jacques and Simon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's chapter one! Hope you enjoyed. Thanks, as ever, to [Balthazar](http://thealpacalypse.tumblr.com/) for helping me flesh out this story and constantly listening to me discuss it and also encouraging me and generally being the best. 
> 
> Leave a comment if you liked, and you can also come yell about these good good boys with me on my  
> [tumblr](http://ofcourseitsinsidemyhead.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> (Also, anything you may recognize was indeed stolen from the emails in the deluxe edition of the book. I did not come up with the phrase old white guy shiterature, as much as I desperately want to have.)


	2. In my arms is where you ought to be

Simon tried not to let his eagerness show on his face when his email notification sound went off on his laptop. He did not need Leah knowing he was obsessed with emails from a guy he’d never met. He and Leah were hanging out, doing what so many best friends of over a decade do when they want to spend quality time together—mostly ignoring one another and scrolling down their respective Tumblr dashboards.

 

Trying not to make any sudden moves, and also doing his best to keep his breathing even, he clicked over to his email.

 

Nothing.

 

He tried to keep the disappointment from rising in his chest as he switched tabs to his other email account.

 

TO: simonsayssing@gmail.com

FROM: maddie.joy@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 7, 2018 at 7:32 pm

SUBJECT: Collab?

 

Hey Simon! I don’t know if you know me, but I’m Maddie, of Violet Sky on YouTube. I really love your channel, especially your covers, so I thought I’d give it a go and ask if you wanted to collaborate on a cover or two?

 

I know you’re in the US and I’m in Australia, but I think with a little *movie magic* we could make it work :)

 

Let me know if you’re interested! And if you’re not, or you’re too busy, I totally understand. Have a good day (or I guess night where you are :D) either way!

 

-Maddie

 

Despite the lowkey disappointment in his chest, Simon couldn’t help but smile. Pulling up YouTube, he typed in Maddie’s channel name and clicked on the first song video that came up, an acoustic cover of Relax (Take It Easy) by Mika. He forgot he didn’t have headphones in, so when the video started playing, Leah yanked an earbud out and shuffled over to glance at his screen.

 

“She’s good.”

 

 _Yeah_ , she was. Her fingers moved over her guitar strings with an ease Simon envied, and her voice was high and sweet but with a bit of an edge to it.

 

“She wants to collab with me, isn’t that cool?”

 

“Yeah.” Leah let a grin grow on her face. “You know who else you should collab with?”

 

Simon, knowing what was coming, rolled his eyes.

 

“Bram Greenfeld.”

 

“Leah, we have been over this, I am not reaching out to some random YouTuber who does not make content remotely similar to mine just so you can meet him.”

 

Leah shifted away, pretending to sulk. “What is even the point of having a famous friend.”

 

“Okay, he is _way_ more famous than me, and he definitely doesn’t know who I am.”

 

“That’s because he is a hard-hitting fandom commentator, and you’re just halfway decent at singing.”

 

“…Ouch.”

 

Leah completely ignored him. “He even lives in Savannah, that’s not even that far away.”

 

Simon threw his hands in the air. “Okay, how do you even _know_ that?”

 

“I have my ways.”

 

“You’re ridiculous.”

 

“Will you introduce me to him at VidCon?”

 

Simon could barely contain his laughter now. “Okay, Leah, you’re missing an important step here. In order for me to introduce you to him, I will have to meet him first.”

 

“Well lucky for you, you’re a YouTuber and a good friend.”

 

Simon sighed, more faking the exasperation than actually feeling it. “ _If_ I meet him and _if_ he has the time, I will introduce you.”

 

“How kind of you.”

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

Simon opened up a different video of Maddie’s to play in the background, then clicked back to his email.

 

TO: maddie.joy@gmail.com

FROM: simonsayssing@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 7, 2018 at 7:44 pm

SUBJECT: Collab?

 

Hey Maddie! Nice to virtually meet you. I would love to do a collab with you! I’m just bummed I didn’t know about your channel beforehand. Did you have a song idea? Or should we do two, one on mine and one on yours? Also, do you want to meet up on Skype or something and figure everything out? It might be weird to figure out time zones, but I’m pretty free until I leave for VidCon, so we can pick a time that works for you if your schedule is more restrictive than mine. Just let me know!

 

Sorry for all the questions, I’m just really excited! I’m gonna go binge your videos now.

 

-Simon

 

Simon barely made it through three before her email came back.

 

TO: simonsayssing@gmail.com

FROM: maddie.joy@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 7, 2018 at 8:01 pm

SUBJECT: Collab?

 

OH MY GOD HI. Sorry, I just thought this email was a shot in the dark and there was no way you’d write me back, let alone in under fifteen minutes! I’d love to Skype and figure stuff out! I’m in the middle of my second year of uni right now, so I’d have to plan around classes, but I have breaks in the middle of the day, so we can figure something out.

 

I actually did have a song idea, if it’s not too presumptuous :D do you know the song “To Whom It May Concern” by the Civil Wars? I love it, and I also think it’s kind of funny to do for a long distance collab. But don’t worry, I’m not coming onto you or anything, I love my girlfriend :P

 

And yes!! Let’s do two! How about the one I suggest goes up on yours, and the one you suggest goes up on mine? We could also do some chatty bits for yours if you want, though I usually keep my covers pretty straightforward.

 

Oh man, you’re going to VidCon? I’m so jealous. I’ve never been. I’d miss too much class, it’s too far, and it’s too expensive. Stupid Australia being so stupid far from stupid everything. I hope you have an amazing time! Vlog about it so I can pretend I’m there!

 

Never apologize for questions, I’m also so excited for this. I know it’s nighttime there, but I’m free for the next few hours if you are, let me know.

 

-Maddie

 

Simon was well versed in the feeling of a friend crush, having experienced one less than two years ago when Abby first moved to Georgia. After two email exchanges and watching more of Maddie’s videos, he could feel the beginnings of another one.

 

Plus, the word _girlfriend_ kept reverberating through his head.

 

He knew there were a lot of out, queer YouTubers. He’d just never talked to one before. The urge to reach through the void and connect over this thing was almost overwhelming.

 

It got him thinking. There were a lot of queer YouTubers. What if he was one of them? Simon was headed to Haverford in the fall, which had an amazing LGBT+ community. What if he started college out of the closet? What if he came out on YouTube? What if he told his friends and family? What if he told Blue who he was?

 

Leah was right there. He could just do it. Bring down the wall, like he and Blue talked about.

 

_Leah, I’m gay._

_Hey Leah, remember when you had that huge crush on Nick? I kind of did, too._

_You know the main reason why I don’t want to collaborate with Bram Greenfeld? HE IS INSANELY CUTE AND I DON’T THINK I’D HANDLE IT WELL_

Clearly, he needed to prepare a bit more.

 

But maybe he was almost ready.

 

* * *

 

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 15, 2018 at 5:37 pm

SUBJECT: Coming Out Thing

 

Blue—

 

I totally know what you mean about being on the safe side of the border. Once you come out of the closet, you can’t really go back in again. It’s a one way thing.

 

Side note: why do only queer people have to come out? I think everyone should have to do it, gay, straight, bi, whatever, and it would be horrifically awkward for everyone involved. It’s just so stupid that straight is the default. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

 

Anyway, I totally think you should tell your mom! I’m so proud of you for even thinking about it, I know how nervous it makes you. Dare I say nauseated? (You know I used to think it was nauseous, but then you only ever use nauseated, and I looked it up and of course you’re right.)

 

Do you know what you’ll say? When you’ll do it?

 

\--Jacques

 

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 15, 2018 at 5:50 pm

SUBJECT: Coming Out Thing

 

Jacques—

 

Yeah, it’s terrifying, and I’m definitely nauseated, but I think I want to do it. Maybe I’ll tell her tonight at dinner, if I don’t chicken out. I think I’m just going to be straight (ha) about it. I’ve tried practicing in the mirror, because I realize I’ve never said the words “I’m gay” out loud. It just feels weird to do.

 

Your TED Talk is amazing. Truly, truly inspired. You should call it “The True Homosexual Agenda.” Because it really is dumb how straight, white, cis, Christian, etc., etc. is the default.

 

I just heard my mom come in. My heart is pounding, and I might throw up. Wish me luck, I guess?

 

Love,

Blue

 

 

 

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 15, 2018 at 5:53 pm

SUBJECT: Coming Out Thing

 

OH MY GOD BREAK A LEG!!!

 

Love,

Jacques

 

Bram could feel his heart pounding in his toes, his ears, his throat, his stomach, and at least four other places. He couldn’t help but giggle at what a theater nerd Jacques was (yet another clue for his pathetic list of reasons why Jacques might be Simon Spier), but he still jumped when his mom called for him to come for dinner.

 

He decided to wait until after they finished eating, so that he could beat a hasty retreat to his room or to Garrett’s house if he needed (God, he needed to tell Garrett, too… One thing at a time). Waiting, though, might have been a mistake. Each bite felt a bit like glue going down, and his mom could definitely tell something was up.

 

“Abraham, is everything all right? You’re being very quiet, and you’ve hardly touched your food.”

 

His mom was the only one who ever called him Abraham. His heart twisted.

 

Bram took a deep breath. He couldn’t stop at least ten different worst-case scenarios from whirling through his head. “Um, actually mom, there was something I wanted to tell you.”

 

His mom put down her fork and gave him her undivided attention. His stomach lurched.

 

“I—I’m gay.”

 

She blinked and maybe looked surprised, but only for half a second. Then she smiled. “Thank you for telling me, Abraham.”

 

Maybe it was a little anticlimactic, but Bram could not care less. He should have known—very little fazed his mother. (So unlike her son, who was, as Jacques would say, a mess of anxiety and feels at any given moment.)

 

They had a good talk about his feelings, how and when he knew (his mother got the truncated version, because no _way_ was he telling her about that particular experience in detail). Bram felt impossibly at ease.

 

The good feeling was quickly replaced by mortification once his mom launched into a very thorough sex talk, because her original did not apply. Bram did his best not to be vocal about his protests, but when she expounded upon the importance of condoms for at least two minutes, Bram couldn’t help but groan and cover his burning face with his hands. His mother, however, showed him no mercy.

 

“I’m serious, Abraham. Condom. Every time, including oral.”

 

“ _Okay_ , I’m going to go to my room now.”

 

“All right, dear.“ She smiled and kissed him on the check before he basically ran away.

 

Bram’s heart was still pounding when he got to his room, but he was pretty sure it was in a good way this time.

 

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 15, 2018 at 7:04 pm

SUBJECT: out and about

 

Jacques—

 

I did it. I actually did it. And with no legs broken, I’m proud to say.

 

I want to thank you, because without you I don’t think I’d have been able to. Talking to you these past few months has helped me feel more comfortable and brave than I ever thought possible.

 

It was good, actually. My mom didn’t even mention Jesus once, so all of my arguments were completely unnecessary. The worst thing was the part where my mom expounded on safe sex and the need for condoms, with the phrase, and I quote, “every time, including oral.” She didn’t believe that I’m not sexually active or that I’ve never even kissed anyone. It’s sort of flattering, I guess, but I think I might go crawl in a hole and die now.

 

Love,

Blue

 

* * *

 

Simon realized that vaguely deciding he was ready to come out and actually doing it were two different things. He sort of had a vague plan—first friends, then family, then internet—but nothing solid enough that made it easier to implement in the next few days.

 

But honestly, his Skype calls with Maddie made him want to do it even more. Her girlfriend was usually around, cooking or cleaning or making coffee or reading on the couch. Simon wanted to be that casual and open about it. He wanted to be so queer that closeted baby queers felt comfortable and inspired to come out, too.

 

He, Abby, Nick, and Leah were hanging out at WaHo, and Simon couldn’t stop thinking about how Blue was probably coming out to his mom at that very moment.

 

Abby and Nick were having a bit of a French fry war across the table and Leah was trying not to side eye them too hard when Simon heard himself say, “Hey guys, can I tell you something?”

 

The jovial mood kind of dissipated, and Simon immediately felt awkward. But not awkward enough to go back.

 

Abby propped her chin in one hand as she faced him, looking a bit concerned. “What’s up?”

 

Simon took a deep breath. “I’m… gay.”

 

Leah drew a sort of sharp breath, Abby looked emotional, and Nick just smiled and said, “Cool.”

 

Abby threw a fry at him.

 

“What?”

 

“Is that all you have to say?”

 

“What else is there to say?”

 

Simon’s body had been drawn tight, tighter than he’d even realized, but as they bickered he felt all his muscles relax. Honestly, he could melt into a puddle on the floor.

 

“Is this your first time telling anyone?”

 

Simon breathed out slowly. “Yeah.” The first time out loud, anyway.

 

Abby took Simon’s hand. “Wow. Thanks for trusting us.”

 

“What are you _doing_?” Nick asked incredulously, making Simon giggle.

 

Abby dropped Simon’s hand and threw both of hers up. “I don’t know! Being a person with emotions, and sometimes those emotions are super awkward because no one’s ever come out to me before!”

 

Simon wanted to laugh and be carefree, but he couldn’t help but say, “Not so loud.”

 

“Whoops, sorry.”

 

“You haven’t told your parents?” asked Leah.

 

“Not yet. Soon, though.” Simon shrugged. “I wanted to tell you guys first.”

 

Leah smiled and jerked her chin up in a cool girl nod. “Nice.”

 

Abby let her head fall to the table in defeat. “You are both soulless monsters.”

 

Leah rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. “Are you gonna tell your hordes of adoring fans?”

 

“Eventually, yeah. Don’t want to think about it yet.”

 

“Well, they will either hate you for ruining their ships or love you because the internet loves gay men.”

 

Simon’s giggle was a little more hysterical than usual. “You’re not wrong.”

 

Leah’s smile was a bit more evil than usual. “You ready?”

 

“Not yet, but that’s why I’m waiting.”

 

“Good call.”

 

Out of nowhere, Abby starts giggling.

 

Simon is completely confused. “What?”

 

“Taylor is going to _hate_ this.”

 

She meant Taylor Metternich, one of Simon’s friends—well, acquaintances—from school, who he’d done some covers with in the past. He could only stand her about half the time, but she had a beautiful voice. Since she’d nearly beaten some douchebag’s face in for calling Cal, another one of their friends who was bi, the f-word, Simon figured there was no way she’d have a problem with him being gay.

 

“Why?” His heart sank. “She doesn’t have a crush on me, does she?”

 

“What? No,” Abby said, as though it was the craziest suggestion in the world. No matter how gay he was, Simon felt a little stung by that. “She just loves all the attention she gets from people shipping you guys. That’s gonna sting.”

 

Nick groaned and covered his face with his hands. “This is just going to make them ship _us_ more.”

 

Leah patted him on the leg. “It sure will.” Then she and Abby burst out laughing.

 

When Simon got home, he reveled in how much lighter he felt. He was glad that they hadn’t made a big thing of it. They just accepted it and moved on. He knew he probably wouldn’t be so lucky with his parents or his YouTube channel or the rest of the world, but at least he had the best friends. Ever.

 

He had felt his phone buzz with an email that he assumed was from Blue about an hour before, but he hadn’t wanted to get distracted while he was with his friends. They’d probably have asked questions, too, questions that Simon would have been embarrassed to answer. If he even had an answer.

 

But he couldn’t help the wide grin on his face when he read the note from Blue. He immediately pulled up his email on his laptop to respond.

 

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 15, 2018 at 8:48 pm

SUBJECT: out and about

 

Blue—

 

WHAT THE HELL I AM SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU! Seriously, there is no need to thank me. That was all you. You’re a freaking superhero. You’re, like, Captain America. If he were gay. Which, you know, most of the internet seems to think he’s in love with that other guy with the metal arm, so there you go.

 

You’re brave and amazing, and you actually inspired me to come out to of my closest friends tonight, too. I didn’t really plan for it, we were just hanging out and I went for it. Thinking about you being brave and coming out to your mom made me want to, so I did. It went well for me, too, they didn’t make a thing of it. They definitely didn’t lecture me about safe sex. Which I know won’t be true in other aspects of my life, which is why I’m really happy I got the “easiest” ones out of the way.

 

How do you feel, Blue? Because I kind of feel like I’m on top of the world.  

 

Love,

Jacques

 

P.S. Wow, between Mr. Freaking Casanova and Ms. “Every time, including oral,” your parents are WAY too invested in your sex life. Just saying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my word, thank you all so much for the amazing reception of this story! The comments and kudos have me squeeing, you all are so nice. I hope you enjoy this second chapter! I think I've decided that I'm going to post Sunday and Wednesday evenings, CST, so that's when you should look out for updates! I'll also be posting every time i update on my [tumblr](http://ofcourseitsinsidemyhead.tumblr.com/), so if you follow me there, you'll also get a head's up. Or just, you know, come scream with me about Spierfeld and any of my other current obsessions. 
> 
> As always, thanks to the lovely and handsome and wonderful [Balthazar](http://thealpacalypse.tumblr.com/), without whom most of my fics would be garbage and/or unfinished.


	3. How long will you make me wait?

Bram couldn’t decide whether the fact that Simon was posting more than usual was amazing or terrible. Either way, it was completely distracting. Bram kept re-watching videos when he should have been doing other things, like packing or reading comics for his own channel.

 

While Simon had been in school, he’d only posted once a week, but once he’d graduated high school (another clue for Bram’s pathetic list), he started posting three or four times a week in the lead up to VidCon. He was doing more chatty, vlog type videos, especially with his friends, and Bram felt himself falling harder with every upload.

 

Simon just seemed so… wonderful. He was hilarious and genuine and enthusiastic and so, so cute.

 

That was what made his most recent upload so hard.

 

It was a collab with another singer on YouTube, from Australia or New Zealand by her accent. They posted a song on each of their channels. The video on her channel was a lovely cover of “City of Stars” from La La Land, which was a song Bram had finally heard of. (Garrett had dragged him to see the movie, but it wasn’t really his speed. He was also unimpressed with the lack of black people in a movie about jazz.) The video was simple enough, with just a quick intro then the song.

 

Then there was the outtakes video, also on the girl’s channel. It showed them flubbing lyrics and chords and generally having a good time. That was bad enough.

 

The one on Simon’s channel… well.

 

They spent the first half of the video goofing around and having a good time. Simon said they’d just met, if only through the internet, but Bram could tell, even though they weren’t in the same room, that the two of them just clicked. There were a bunch of cuts where the two of them were laughing too hard to even speak.

 

Then the song. Oh, the song. The song was called “To Whom It May Concern,” by a group called the Civil Wars, whom Bram is pretty sure he’d heard of. The lyrics crawled their way into his chest and made an uncomfortable home there.

_I missed you, but I haven’t met you. Oh, but I want to—how I do…_

 

Bram couldn’t help thinking of Jacques, who had long since turned into Simon in his daydreams, and he felt his heart break a little.

 

Maybe Simon wasn’t Jacques. Maybe Simon was straight. At least, maybe he was into girls, because the way he sang the song sent chills down Bram’s spine. There was intensity, passion, and—as much as he hated to admit it— _longing_ in Simon’s voice. Simon was singing about someone, and Bram couldn’t help but think that it was this girl Maddie.

 

He kept watching it, though. He couldn’t help it. Maddie also had an amazing voice, and the way they traded off and harmonized was captivating. As much as he hated to admit it, too, Maddie was pretty awesome, but listening to her and Simon laugh and talk was too much for him. Fully acknowledging how sad and pathetic he was, he pulled up Simon’s bandcamp and put the cover on repeat. Then, he pulled up Jacque’s most recent email and reread it.

 

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 16 2018 at 11:12 am

SUBJECT: Egg, meet face

 

Blue—

 

Yeah, yeah, laugh all you want. Maybe that’s why they say never meet your heroes. Not because they’ll disappoint you, but because you might accidentally grope them while trying to get their autograph.

 

I promise if we ever meet, I won’t do that.

 

Not without permission.

 

I can’t believe I just wrote that. No going back now. Well, I could delete it. But I don’t think I will. But I might. I guess you’ll know one way or the other. You’re too freaking easy to talk to, even by typing. And now I’m babbling.

 

ANYWAY. I hope I’ve figured out how to not be a disaster around people I admire (unlikely), since in about a week I’m going to be around bunches of them pretending to be one of them. At least my friends will be there? Though, honestly, they’re more likely to film it and post it on the internet than to actually help.

 

Anyway anyway, I hope my mortification made you feel a little less embarrassed about Mr. Sexual Awakening. At least you didn’t grope him? Small mercies, Blue.

 

Love,

Jacques

 

Honestly, what in the world was Bram supposed to do with that? The flirting—that was definitely flirting, right?—was enough to make him want to melt, in addition to a few other things.

 

Bram was also 95% sure Jacques was referring to VidCon. Bram supposed there could be other events where one could meet one’s heroes, but how many were happening the same weekend as VidCon? When Jacques said “pretending to be one of them”, could that mean that he was a vlogger, too? Should he ask Jacques if he was going to VidCon? Should he ask Jacques if he was Simon? Could he do that if he wasn’t ready to meet him? Was Jacques dropping the hints on purpose, or was he just getting careless?

 

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 16, 2018 at 3:19 pm

SUBJECT: Mr. Sexual Awakening

 

I’d like to formally thank you, Jacques, for that wonderful description of my stepmother’s cousin. Eye contact was hard enough as it is. Now, I will be in danger of both blushing and laughing my head off every time I see him.

 

I’m sorry if I wasn’t sympathetic enough about your Newsies faux pas. You were just a kid though, right? I’m sure Mr. Jordan didn’t think much of it, considering he was about twice your age at the time.

 

Are you also insinuating that I am one of your heroes? If so, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. I’m just saying.

 

I’m blushing too hard to acknowledge the subject of your babbling, but I will say that you’re incredibly cute when you do so. Also, buy me dinner first ;)

 

Okay, now it is MY turn to not be able to believe I am sending this email.

 

Love,

Blue

 

Heart pounding, Bram hit send. While Bram certainly suspected Jacques had feelings for him, and Bram certainly had feelings for Jacques, they’d never talked about it directly or flirted so openly. Bram was terrified of ruining their easy email friendship. Besides, if they’d never meet, what was the point of admitting to Jacques that he liked him?

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey, Simon?” On his laptop screen, Maddie looked up from her piano, where she’d been teasing out a melody line for an original song they’d been working on for the past hour or so. “Can I ask you a kind of personal question?”

 

Simon had his uke in one hand and a pen in the other, writing out lyrics in what used to be his English notebook, but he paused and looked up at her. “Yeah?”

 

“Who were you singing about when we covered “To Whom It May Concern”?”

 

Simon’s heart lurched a little. “What are you talking about? I was just singing.”

 

Maddie made a face at him. “Ha, nice try. I know pining when I see it.” She propped her chin in her hands. “We need a break, and you need to fess up.”

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

 

“Fine, don’t tell me, but I know it’s there, Spier.”

 

Simon felt heat rising in his cheeks. The thing was, he really wanted to tell Maddie all about Blue. Or, at least, he wanted to tell her about this guy he had a crush on. But he felt incredibly guilty even considering telling her before he told his parents or sisters. Which he was still working up the nerve to do.

 

“I just… I can’t, right now, okay?”

 

Something about the desperation in his voice made Maddie’s face soften from teasing to compassion. “Is everything okay?”

 

“Yeah, I guess there’s some stuff I need to figure out.”

 

Maddie nodded, but she still looked concerned.

 

All of a sudden, he felt antsy and unfocused. “Look, I think I have to go, can we finish this another time?”

 

“Sure,” she said, sounding a little sad and disappointed. “Simon, I’m sorry for prying, I’m really too nosy for my own good--”

 

“Maddie,” Simon cut her off with a genuine smile, “believe me when I say it’s not you, it’s me.”

 

Chuckling a little at that she said, “All right. Bye, Simon. Have an amazing time at VidCon. I expect a constant stream of snaps, or I will fly over there and kick your ass.”

 

Simon giggled. “That doesn’t sound like a good reason to send you snaps. I would love you to fly over here for any reason.”

 

Maddie rolled her eyes. “Yeah, but then my bank account would hate you, so humor me, please.”

 

“Sounds good.”

 

After blowing him a kiss, she logged off.

 

God, she was the best sometimes.

 

But Simon was overcome with the urge to do something. He still hadn’t replied to Blue’s email, but it was definitely part of the reason that he couldn’t focus. That, and something he’d seen on Blue’s Tumblr.

 

It was a gifset from one of the fandom panels from VidCon the year before. Buried in the tags where Blue was commenting on whatever was being discussed (Simon was in many fandoms, but everything comic book related went straight over his head) were the tags “#I’m going this year” and “#I’m so excited I can hardly stand it”. Simon had first been distracted by how cute and grammatical Blue was even in the tags on his Tumblr, then the reality of the words had hit him. Blue. At VidCon. Where Simon would also be.

 

His hands were shaking as he started typing, but he tried to keep his words casual. That was one benefit of textual communication, even though more and more Simon was coming to resent it.

 

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 16, 2018 at 10:56 pm

SUBJECT: Dinner?

 

Well, you laughed at my Newsies plight, I get to psychologically scar you for every family reunion. Turnabout is fair play, Blue.

 

In all seriousness, though, you are definitely one of my heroes. And I don’t think meeting you would change that. On that note, I would love to buy you dinner.

 

Okay, this is going to sound kind of stalker-y, and I’m sorry, but I saw on your Tumblr that you’re going to VidCon? Sorry if I’m overstepping, I just got really excited because I am, too. Going to VidCon, that is. Do you maybe want to meet up? Like, we know we’ll be in the same place, so we should go for it, right?

 

I know we agreed to keep this anonymous at all, but I really want to meet you. I understand if you don’t want to, or you’re not ready, I guess, but I figured I’d ask. That’s something I’d definitely be down to try, if you are.

 

Love,

Jacques

 

Simon barely had time to start worrying or distract himself from worrying before the reply came back. The subject line alone was like a kick in the chest. 

 

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 16, 2018 at 11:04 pm

SUBJECT: Sorry

 

Jacques—

 

I’m not really sure what to say. I won’t lie, I did put all that in the tags knowing you might see it. I did it when I was feeling braver and more carefree about the whole thing, and now I kind of wish I could take it back. I’m sorry. I don’t think I’m ready to meet you. I feel like in a lot of ways this works because it’s anonymous and over email, and that we’d lose it if we met. The idea of seeing you thrills me and also completely terrifies me, and I think most of the time the second part wins out.

 

There’s also other things about my life that I’m pretty sure would change if we met, and I’m only just out to my parents and one of my friends. I’m not ready to be more public than that.

 

I’m sorry that wasn’t the answer you wanted. I also don’t want to lose what we have, so I hope you’ll keep emailing me. I also hope you have an amazing time at VidCon. Are any of your friends going, or are you going by yourself?

 

Love,

Blue

 

Simon had known it was kind of a long shot. The anonymity had been Blue’s idea, even if he had completely agreed at the time. While Simon was a bit careless about random bits of information leaking into his emails, Blue was much more cautious. When Blue gave information about his life—that he was half Jewish, say, or that his parents were divorced—it always seemed measured and purposeful. Like he’d weighed the information as a part of the growing pile of facts Simon knew about Blue, and he had determined that this extra piece wouldn’t lead Simon to figuring out who he was.

 

Despite knowing all that, Blue’s email still hit him like a punch in the gut. How could a boy so thoroughly reject meeting him then carry on as if nothing had happened? How could he sign his email “Love” if he wasn’t ready to meet?

 

Stupidly, so stupidly, he felt the beginnings of tears in his eyes and throat. It felt a bit like a breakup, not that any of his previous breakups compared.

 

He’d answer Blue tomorrow. For now, he pulled up his “Great Depression” playlist and let himself cry over a guy for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *pounding head into wall* angst angst angst angst
> 
> Sorry about that. Eh, no I'm not. Come yell at me on my [tumblr](http://ofcourseitsinsidemyhead.tumblr.com) if you have a problem. COME AT ME BRO
> 
> As always, thanks to the lovely light of my life [Balthazar](http://thealpacalypse.tumblr.com), without whom this fic would be but a twinkle in my eye. Or something. 
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are gold! Give me a reason to keep refreshing this page like the crazed egomaniac I am :)


	4. I don't know how much more I can take

Despite Jacque’s assurances that no matter what his answer, nothing would change, Jacque’s responses were more lackluster than usual, even in a textual format. Where his personality usually bubbled over, it now seemed forced.

 

Bram distracted himself by packing and working tirelessly the video that would be set to come out while he was at VidCon, which was a deep dive into Infinity War. After the big superhero movies came out, he liked to give it a couple weeks before going back and giving his commentary so more people would have time to see the film. With Infinity War, he ended up having a _lot_ to say, so planning and making the video had taken longer than usual. It hadn’t helped that his mind was so preoccupied with Jacques’s emails and Simon’s uploads. His subscribers were practically calling for his blood by now.

 

Packing served less well as a distraction, since he couldn’t help but think about how he might pass Jacques wearing _this_ t-shirt or _that_ pair of jeans. Whatever parts of his brain weren’t occupied with Jacques were buzzing with nerves over the coming weekend.

 

The night before their flight, he and Garrett were on the phone. They weren’t really talking as much as making sure that they had everything they needed for LA.

 

One minute, they were speculating whether the air conditioning would be enough to combat the excessive body heat of thousands of people, and the next, Garrett was asking, “Dude, are you okay?”

 

Bram was kind of thrown. “What?”

 

“I mean, you’ve just seemed kind of quiet the past couple days. Even for you. Did, uh, did everything go okay with telling your dad?”

 

“What? Oh, yeah.” Bram’s order of ‘coming out’ operations had been his mom, Garrett, then his dad. Then, maybe some other people, but he couldn’t really make up his mind as to whom. Or how. Or when.

 

“Then what’s up?”

 

Bram briefly considered telling him the truth. Weirdly, he was fairly sure Garrett would be comforting, if not all that helpful. He took the whole gay thing completely in stride, but Bram didn’t think he could talk to Garrett about boys the way Garrett talked to him about girls. He was pretty sure he’d feel that way even if he weren't gay; Bram was just more of a private person. For all his douchey fratboy front, Garrett was a heart on his sleeve kind of guy and couldn’t keep his feelings inside if he tried.

 

On the other hand, Bram sometimes felt that he kept his emotions so well hidden that even _he_ didn’t understand them.

 

Plus, he was too much of a coward.

 

“Nothing, I’m fine. I guess I’m just nervous about VidCon. I’ve never talked in front of that many people before.”

 

“Dude, you have six hundred thousand subs.”

 

“Yeah, but they’re not _in the room with me_ when I film.”

 

Garrett considered this for a moment. “Fair.”

 

“Plus, there’s my signing and meetups and stuff… It’s just going to be a big weekend.”

 

“I feel that. But _I_ am PUMPED.”

 

“ _That_ is because you’re an extrovert,” Bram sighed.

 

“And because I get to be cameraman extraordinaire, when you usually don’t let me near your shit.”

 

Bram laughed a little. Garrett was such a doofus that it was hard to feel down around him.

 

“Come on, don’t tell me your nerd ass isn’t excited.”

 

As weird as he was feeling, Bram couldn’t help but smile. “My nerd ass is excited.”

 

“ _There_ we go! VidCon 2018, here we come!” Then he whooped incredibly loudly in Bram’s ear for a solid minute.

 

* * *

 

“We’re HERE!” Abby sang, doing a little twirl in the hotel lobby.

 

Leah rolled her eyes, already either annoyed or charmed by the fact that Abby and Simon had sang “Party in the USA” almost the whole ride from the airport. Her protests of “You guys are giving the rest of us a migraine” and “We didn’t even fly into LAX, you morons!” didn’t do much to dampen Simon’s spirits. He was in LA for the first time, he’d traveled alone with his friends for the first time, and they were going to have an amazing weekend. And he wasn’t going to think about what boys may or may not be in the same building as him for the first time.

 

They got themselves checked in, argued over beds (Leah, somewhat red faced, insisted on sharing with Simon), and then were faced with the decision of what to do with the rest of their day.

 

Ideas were thrown around (pool, wandering around, shopping at Main Street at Disney), but Abby’s eventually won out.

 

“You guys, we _have_ to go to the beach.”

 

“It’s a half hour away,” Nick argued after looking it up on his phone.

 

“We’ll Uber! Between the four of us, it will not be a big deal.”

 

“There are beaches in Georgia,” Leah grumbled, but Simon could tell her resolve was caving.

 

“Yeah, but this is an _entirely different ocean,_ you guys. Come on.” She made puppy dog eyes at each of them in turn, then started tugging on Nick’s arm. “Come on, come on, come on!”

 

Through a combination of Abby’s stubbornness and their curiosity, they made it to the beach an hour and a half later. It was the middle of the day, and even though it was a Tuesday, the sand was packed. It was lovely, though, and Simon had to admit the Pacific did look different than the Atlantic.

 

Abby teased them as they slathered on sunscreen, then stopped giggling when Simon insisted she put some on too, because “Black people can still get skin cancer, Abby, come on.”

 

They lounged on the sand and played in the water, splashing and dunking one another, all of them at some point wincing when salt water got in their eyes, nose, or mouth. Simon couldn’t help but notice Abby paying a little _too_ much attention every time Leah emerged from the water. Even though he was 100% not interested in girls, Simon could recognize (even though Leah would never believe him) that she looked really pretty, with the sun making her eyes sparkle and her long hair in a messy bun.

 

Then he also noticed Leah basically checking Abby out, too. More subtly, but Simon knew her well enough.

 

Later, when they bought overpriced ice cream from a stand nearby, Simon caught himself watching the two of them, now that he was clued in that there was something to look for. They’d mostly gotten past their weird rivalry or hatred or whatever it was that had been going on with them, which now only showed its ugly head every once in a while. Now, they had a slew of inside jokes, and the group would sometimes fragment into NickandSimon and LeahandAbby. Not that that was a problem—there were plenty of times the splits happened in other ways—but that had _never_ happened junior year.

 

The four of them were giggly and giddy, which was weird enough, since giggling was more Abby and Simon’s forte than Nick and Leah’s. But Abby and Leah were especially giggly, which, again, super weird. And Simon kept catching one of them staring when the other wasn’t looking.

 

The sun was still high when they finished eating, but Simon felt hot and tired and suggested they head back. Nick agreed, but the girls protested. Simon was barely even surprised, even though he knew how much Leah hated getting overheated.

 

“Come on, we’ve only been here like two hours,” was Abby’s argument.

 

“Actually, it’s been almost three.” Nick was unquestionably the best of all of them at math, and the most easily overwhelmed in new situations.

 

Abby pouted. “So you guys go back, we’ll catch up to you.”

 

“Come on,” Nick said, his eyes flicking for a millisecond to Leah. “It’ll be crazy expensive if we went separately.”

 

Leah’s face almost immediately dropped into a scowl. Mostly a show, but Simon could tell she was a bit peeved at the implication that only _she_ couldn’t afford splitting a $40 Uber two ways. “Fine. Let’s go.”

 

She spoke normally enough to both Nick and Simon on the way to the car, which meant they were probably mostly off the hook, but she somehow managed to maneuver herself into the backseat with Abby in the middle so she didn’t have to sit next to either of them. So either they were still a little on her shit list, or she just _really_ wanted to sit next to Abby. If Simon was honest with himself, it was probably a little of both.

 

When they got back to the hotel, Abby and Leah made a whole show of really not being ready to go inside just yet, and headed off on their own to explore. Nick and Simon managed to contain their laughter until they were back in their room.

 

Nick collapsed onto one of the beds as Simon belly flopped onto the other. “So, they were totally checking each other out at the beach right?”

 

“Oh, definitely,” Simon replied, once he’d stopped chuckling enough to speak. “I’m glad you saw it too, I thought I was just losing my mind.”

 

“Nope.” Nick threw an arm over his eyes. “They were not being subtle at _all_.” He shook his head. “Completely ridiculous.”

 

“To be fair, you have been just as ridiculous in your time. And their puppy dog eyes are nowhere near as pathetic as yours for Amy Everett freshman year.”

 

Simon was in too awkward a position to defend himself when a pillow nailed him in the head.

 

They turned on the TV for a while, but Simon could see Nick getting restless. (He’d wanted to bring his guitar, but it would have meant having to let other people handle his most prized possession, since it couldn't exactly fit in the overhead bins on the plane.) When Nick’s near-constant tapping on the bed frame threatened to drive Simon crazy, he suggested a walk around the (admittedly huge) hotel.

 

Sharing earbuds in a companionable silence, they wandered around the inside first, then the outside. Simon had picked one of his playlists at random, but songs kept coming up that reminded him of Blue. How he and Blue would be in the same city soon, if they weren’t already. Hell, they’d be in the same building (if they weren’t already).

 

He almost wanted to tell Nick, but it felt too pathetic. Then “To Whom It May Concern” came on, and he’d have yanked his earbud out if he hadn’t thought Nick might say something.

 

They were walking back into the lobby when Nick stopped dead. “Is that…”

 

“Text Leah. She will quite possibly eviscerate us if we don’t tell her.”

 

“Are you going to say hello?”

 

“I mean, I guess?”

 

With a shove from Nick at the small of his back, Simon started walking over to Bram Greenfeld. He seemed to have just finished up checking in, and he looked like he was waiting for someone. He was surrounded by too many bags for them all to be his, and he was messing on his phone.

 

Heart pounding and hoping he wasn’t about to make an ass of himself, he walked over and said tentatively, “Hey, you’re Bram Greenfeld, right?”

 

Bram looked up, a somewhat startled look coming onto his face. Damn, he was even more attractive in person.

 

“Yeah,” he replied softly, voice pretty different than the one he used in his videos. “And you’re Simon Spier, right?”

 

Simon’s heart thudded. “You know who I am?”

 

Bram smiled, a bit nervously. What did _he_ have to be nervous about? Was it possible that this incredibly popular vlogger was shy?

 

“Yeah, of course. I, um,” he paused, rubbing the back of his neck. “I love your videos.”

 

“You watch my videos,” Simon said incredulously.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Simon grinned. “That’s so cool.” He just smiled stupidly at Bram for a few seconds, who was smiling back, if smaller. Then Simon shook himself out of it. “Um, thanks. For saying you like my videos. I like your videos too, but I don’t really watch them much, sorry. They’re good, but I’m not as into the topic.”

 

Bram laughed quietly, kind of nervously, and Simon started to feel awkward. So naturally, he started babbling.

 

“I mean, I don’t mean to shoot down your whole thing. I wish I could like comics, they’re just so intimidating? And so hard to get into. My friend Leah is obsessed, and she watches your videos all the time and tries to explain stuff to me, but it all kind of goes over my head. I like the movies and stuff, but there’s other things I’m more into, I guess.”

 

Simon almost wanted to mention that the main reason he liked going to superhero movies was due to an intense appreciation of Chris Hemsworth’s arms, but he bit his tongue. He still hadn’t achieved step 2 of his coming out plan, no way was he going to casually mention something _that_ gay to this virtual stranger. “Anyway, I like reading things from start to finish, which you basically can’t do with comics. If you start from the beginning, they’re usually terrible and campy, and if you start in the middle, you have no idea what’s going on until you’ve read more. Or used Wikipedia entirely too much.” Simon had to physically force himself to slow down. “Sorry, I’m completely babbling.”

 

Bram smiled shyly again, Simon’s heart melted a little. “That’s okay,” he said softly. He paused, and Simon waited for him to continue. “Um, if you want—I mean, if you’re interested, I can give you some recommendations for good standalones.”

 

He barely looked Simon in the eye, which Simon both found really cute and somewhat disheartening. “Really?”

 

Bram nodded.

 

“Thanks,” Simon said, blushing for some reason. “Maybe I’ll take you up on that. It would be nice to know what the hell Leah is talking about every once in a while.”

 

Bram laughed. Simon could tell it was still tense and contained, but it was still a wonderful sound.

 

 _I am ridiculous_.

 

“So, you ready for VidCon?” Simon asked, singing the word “VidCon” in a stupid way, mostly to try and distract himself from the stupid crush he felt forming, but partly to see if he could make Bram Greenfeld laugh again.

 

He didn’t laugh, and his smile closed off again. “Not really.”

 

“Nervous?”

 

“Yeah.” It was hard to tell because of his dark skin, but Simon thought he might be blushing. “I’m not great around people.”

 

“Really?”

 

Bram nodded.

 

Simon was trying to think of a reply when Nick, Leah, and Abby walked over. Simon wondered for half a second why Nick hadn’t come over once he’d finished texting Leah.

 

“Hey guys!” Simon said, feeling butterfly-y all of a sudden. “Great! Bram, this is Leah, the friend I was telling you about, and Abby and Nick.” He pointed at each of them and they waved. “Guys, this is Bram.”

 

Simon expected Leah to geek out, like he was bound to several times over the next few days, but she was seriously much cooler than him.

 

“Hey,” she said. “Dude, your channel is amazing.”

 

“Wow, thanks.”

 

“Yeah, she definitely likes your videos better than mine,” Simon said.

 

“Yep.”

 

Simon elbowed her, and Bram laughed a little.

 

“But seriously, your take on Ragnarok actually made me go see that movie.”

 

Bram’s face lit up a little. “Yeah, I knew a lot of people would be ready to pass it over because the first two were pretty terrible, but I knew that anything Taika Waititi touched would turn to gold. Thor is finally getting the characterization and arcs he totally deserves.”

 

Bram seemed completely animated now, no trace of the weird tense nervousness that he’d shown around Simon. Maybe Bram wasn’t bad around people, maybe Simon just wasn’t his type of ‘people.’ Leah clearly was, anyway.

 

As Leah and Bram continued talking about things that went increasingly over his head (he’d seen Thor: Ragnarok but not Infinity War, and they dove from there into the comics and Simon was lost forever), they heard a voice behind them shout, “Is that Nick Eisner?”

 

They all turned (Leah and Bram a beat late) to see a tall, gangly guy with pale skin and sandy hair stuffed under a snapback. Simon was a bit taken aback that Nick, of all people, was the one getting recognized, but the guy did look vaguely familiar. Simon couldn’t put his finger on why until Nick shouted back, “Garrett Laughlin?”

 

Nick’s face broke into a grin, and Simon’s brain slowly caught up. Garrett used to go to their school. He and Nick had been friends on the soccer team, and Garrett had eaten lunch with them sometimes until he’d moved after freshman year.

 

To Simon’s surprise, Nick and Garrett hugged. He wasn’t expecting that from someone who looked like such a dudebro. It was a dudebro hug, complete with back claps, but still.

 

“Dude, how’ve you been? How’s good old Shady Creek?”

 

“Oh, you know, the same. How’s… Savannah? That’s where you moved, right?”

 

“Yeah, it’s good! Smaller than Shady Creek, but it’s a good spot. The soccer team is way worse.”

 

Bram smiled, looking almost completely relaxed now. “Hey!”

 

“Just speaking the truth, man.” Then he glanced at the remaining three of the group. “Leah, right? Good to see ya!” He giggled to himself at the rhyme.

 

Leah nodded and smiled a bit.

 

“I don’t know you,” he said, still smiling, extending his hand to Abby.

 

Abby grinned and shook. “Abby. I’m guessing you moved before I did.”

 

After shaking Abby’s hand, Garrett looked at Simon. “Simon Spier. Love the videos, man.”

 

“Wait, you watch them, too?”

 

Garrett laughed. “Who do you think introduced this fool to them?” he said, punching Bram lightly in the arm. Bram looked awkward again. “When you first started making them, I was like, yo, I went to school with this kid! Then, you know, I actually like your stuff, so I kept watching.” He glanced at Bram. “You’re really good. I really liked the La La Land cover you did last week.”

 

Simon smiled, feeling a bit awkward himself. Though, he figured he should get used to it. He was about to meet a bunch of his subscribers, and he knew not all of them would be as chill as Garrett. “Thanks.”

 

“Hey, Eisner, do you still have my number?”

 

“Probably, why?”

 

“We should hang! You guys doing anything tonight?”

 

The four of them shared a glance. “We didn’t have anything planned,” said Nick finally, with a small smile on his face that was starting to make Simon worried.

 

“Great! Bram and I will put our stuff down, then we should like, order food or something.”

 

“Sounds good to me.” Nick glanced at everyone else. “You cool with that?”

 

After their murmurs of assent, Garrett picked his stuff off the ground, and he and Bram headed toward the elevators. As they walked away, Simon heard Bram ask, “Garrett, how in the world did it take you twenty minutes to buy sunglasses?”

 

Nick laughed to himself and shook his head. “What are the fucking chances, am I right?” He nudged Simon. “Oh, and by the way, you’re welcome.”

 

“What?”

 

“I just got you more time with Bram.”

 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Simon asked, but he felt his face heating up anyway. “If there’s anyone who should be thanking you, it’s Leah.”

 

Leah shook her head. “ _Please_. You like him, we can all tell you like him, let’s skip this part where you deny it and move on.”

 

Simon felt like his face was on fire. “Let’s just go back to the room.”

 

“Give us a break, Simon, anyone with eyes could tell you guys were flirting,” Nick said quietly as they walked to the elevator bank.

 

Simon punched the button with a little more force than necessary. Stupidly, he started thinking about Blue. It was weird that it had taken him so long, but now he felt guilty for paying attention to another guy.

 

“Okay, even if I was flirting with him a little--” _And badly_ , he thought to himself— “he was not flirting back. Did you see how weird he was? He talked way more with Leah than with me.”

 

“He watches your videos, Simon,” Abby said.

 

“Yeah, only because Garrett does.”

 

Leah shook her head. “You’re kind of an idiot, Si.”

 

When they got back to their room, Simon flopped facedown on the bed and tried to ignore their teasing. He wanted to talk to Blue, but he also really did not want to talk to Blue. He wanted Blue to tell him how he felt. He wanted Blue to tell him who he was. He wanted it to not feel like cheating when he looked at or maybe flirted with another guy. He wanted to stop having feelings for someone who, for all intents and purposes, didn’t really exist.

 

He wanted to check his phone for a new email, but he didn’t want to do it in front of his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We made it to VidCon! Almost. Well, we made it to LA. And now, the real drama begins. Also, there's so much queer energy in this chapter. I am very pleased and proud. 
> 
> Hope you liked! Sorry I forgot to post yesterday, I had a busy evening and it slipped my mind. This just means you have less time to wait until Sunday, for the next chapter!
> 
> Thanks as ever to [Balthy](http://thealpacalypse.tumblr.com) for reading this as it grows ever longer. 
> 
> Come talk to me on [my tumblr](http://ofcourseitsinsidemyhead.tumblr.com)! Or leave a comment, as comments are better than gold. 
> 
> For reference, the text conversation between Nick and Leah went a little something like this:
> 
> Nick: COME BACK NOW, I have eyes on Bram Greenfeld THIS IS NOT A DRILL  
> Leah: !!!!! are you serious rn  
> Nick: yep, simon is flirting with him as we speak  
> Leah: ummmmm what  
> Nick: yeah maybe my gaydar is broken, but I am getting vibes  
> Leah: we’re coming  
> Nick: better come quick, or simon will keep him all to himself


	5. I miss you, but I haven't met you, oh but I want to

“What were you doing back there, Garrett?” Bram asked as he dropped his bag onto the desk in their room. Garrett dropped his on the floor next to the bed.

 

“Wingmanning, dude.”

 

“ _What?_ ”

 

“That dude was clearly into you. I was just helping it along.” Garrett flipped his sunglasses down from resting on his head to over his eyes, and he looked even more like a dick than usual. “Plus, Eisner’s cool. You’ll like him. I also used to have a huge thing for Leah Burke, but I think that ship has sailed. And like, honestly, I think hanging with Simon Spier would be pretty cool, too. We didn’t talk a ton when we went to school together, but you know.”

 

“It’s going to be awkward beyond belief, Garrett.”

 

“It’s only awkward if you make it awkward, man.”

 

“That is so not how anxiety works.”

 

Garrett laughed. “It’ll be fine! Plus, I’ll bring the vodka. I’m glad we have a use for it besides drinking it by ourselves.”

 

Bram resisted the urge to slam his head into a wall.

 

Garrett clapped him on the shoulder. It didn’t make Bram feel any better. Actually, it kind of hurt. “Dude, it’s gonna be fine. You clearly like talking to Spier and Burke, it won’t be that weird.”

 

“I guess.”

 

Bram didn’t voice out loud what he was thinking, that there was no way that Simon Spier was gay. Even if he was, there was no way he’d be into Bram. He’d just been stalling until his friend got there, so Leah could meet one of her favorite vloggers.

 

 _Unless_ …

 

Bram still couldn’t shake the feeling that Simon was Jacques. He also couldn’t shake the feeling that Jacques was mad at him. Before Bram had said no to meeting, they'd been emailing nearly every day, but since then he'd only heard from Jacques a few times.

 

His feelings were an absolute mess inside his gut, and he was pretty sure that hanging out more with Simon Spier would make it worse, not better.

 

That didn’t stop Garrett from texting Nick, declaring that they were ordering pizza, and finally heading up to their room because it was bigger. Bram felt nearly as awful as he had when he got sick on the Tilt-A-Whirl when he was a kid. That, of course, got him thinking about Jacques again and made him feel even worse.

 

The pizza arrived before Bram and Garrett did, and Nick, Abby, and Leah were eating it on the floor between beds because, they said, they were worried about Nick getting sauce all over the sheets.

 

Bram was debating asking where Simon was when he heard the toilet flush and Simon emerged from the bathroom. Even though there was plenty of room on the floor, Simon sat right next to Bram.

 

There was so much Bram wasn’t prepared to know about Simon in real life. For one thing, he was short. He couldn’t be more than five foot eight. Bram was surprised by that, since Simon always seemed larger than life on his computer screen. His hair was darker than it looked in Simon’s well-lit bedroom, looking more dirty than blonde, and way messier than it ever looked in his vlogs. Somehow, though, his grey eyes were even brighter.

 

As Jacques would say, Bram couldn’t even. He felt his heart pounding, and as much as he wished he could say something, he couldn’t string two words together, much less force them out of his mouth.

 

Garrett and Nick were playing catch up, Leah and Abby were whispering quietly to one another, and Bram could not make his voice work.

 

When the bottle of cheap vodka came around, Bram knew he could refuse if he wanted, because Leah had without much of a fuss. He hesitated for a second, then took a swig, wincing at the taste. He knew it was bad, but alcohol always made his shyness and anxiety shrink a bit. He was getting sick of letting them win every time.

 

“Has anyone ever recognized you?” Simon asked. Bram had been so preoccupied in not looking at him that the question caught him a bit by surprise. He choked a little on his pizza.

 

“What?” It speaks!

 

“Have you ever just been out and had someone random know who you were? From YouTube?”

 

Bram fought through the buzzing in his brain to try and formulate a response to make sense. “Yeah.” Simon waited, expecting him to say more than one word. “A few times.”

 

“What was it like?” He paused for a second, maybe to give Bram the chance to answer, but Simon, it appeared, tended towards nervous babbling. (Like someone else Bram knew.) “I keep being worried that I’m not going to handle this well at all. Like, the only people who’ve like, recognized me from the internet are people at school, who don’t really count because they just watch my stuff since someone posted it on our school’s Tumblr, not because they just found it and liked it, you know?” He paused, clearly expecting a response.

 

“Yeah,” Bram said again, then mentally kicked himself. “I mean, sort of. No one at school has ever told me they watch my stuff, but I’ve seen some people around who’ve recognized me.”

 

Bram paused, because being the focus of Simon’s attention was making his heart and mind go crazy. He expected Simon to talk more, but he waited for Bram to elaborate. Bram was never completely quiet, but if he got quiet, he wasn’t used to Garrett (or anyone else) waiting for him to speak. Garrett usually knew that if he wasn’t talking, there was a reason, and Bram would open up eventually (or not). With everyone else, they usually weren’t patient enough to wait out his awkward silences.

 

“It hasn’t happened hundreds of times, but it’s always been nice. I usually feel kind of awkward and overwhelmed at first, but if someone approaches you in real life, it’s because they really like your stuff. That’s a really nice feeling.” Simon exhaled a little. “I wouldn’t be too worried about it.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“No problem.” As hard as it was for Bram to talk, he knew he didn’t want the conversation to end. He felt like it was his turn to say something. “What are you most excited about?”

 

A grin broke out on Simon’s face. “Honestly? Everything. There’s tons of panels that I want to see, and I have a couple of meet and greets scheduled because I don’t have a booth or anything. And there’s all these networking events that I feel like I’m too small time to go to, but I’m going to go anyway because I want to meet other creators. I’m also doing a little concert thing on Friday afternoon with a few other singers. They obviously weren’t going to invite us to do a mainstage event, so we organized it ourselves, we’re each doing a small set. That might be what I’m most excited for. I’ve never played in front of people.”

 

“Don’t you do drama?” The question slipped out before Bram could stop it. Maybe the booze hadn’t been the best idea.

 

Simon looked at him kind of funny. “Wow, you really do watch my videos.”

 

Bram blushed and just said, “Yeah.” _Every one._

 

“Man, now I feel even worse for not really watching yours.”

 

“It’s really not a big deal,” Bram replied, looking down at his lap and his somewhat abandoned, half eaten slice of pizza. He wasn’t really hungry, but he took another bite anyway.

 

Simon looked at him for another minute, then said, “Well anyway. Yeah, I do theater, but it’s different when you’re playing a character, I think. Like, I don’t have the same stage fright that I’m feeling about this. When I get to play someone else in a big cast, it’s easier than being me, alone, as myself. It feels like the rejection would be worse if it doesn’t go well. Does that make sense?”

 

“Yeah, I get it.” Bram was not a theater person, but he thought he could sort of understand. After all, wasn’t that part of the reason why he couldn’t tell Jacques who he was?

 

“Yeah.” Simon sighed again, then asked, “What about you?”

 

“What about me what?”

 

Simon grinned. Bram was going to lose his mind if he kept doing that. “What are you most excited about?”

 

It wasn’t as hard to loosen up enough to give a normal answer. “Well, when I can stop feeling nauseated long enough to be excited, I honestly think I’m most excited about my fandom panels.”

 

A weird look came over Simon’s face, but then he smiled. “I know you don’t know me that well, so believe me when I tell you this is a compliment: that’s incredibly nerdy.”

 

Bram felt his cheeks heat up. “I don’t have a lot of people to talk about comic book stuff with in real life, and I live too far away from anyone to really collaborate. I think it will be really amazing to talk about fandom stuff with a bunch of other people, especially other people of color. We’re somewhat rare in my high school.”

 

The teasing look dropped off Simon’s face. “That’s gotta be hard.”

 

“It’s not so bad.” Bram wanted to mention how weird it was to also be half Jewish in the south, but he didn’t. Just in case Simon was Jacques, he didn’t want to give him yet another clue.

 

Why, _why_ was he such a coward?

 

Simon was doing that thing again, waiting for Bram to keep talking.

 

“Sometimes, I’m acutely aware that I am the only person of color in the room, and it gets uncomfortable. My friends are great, though.”

 

“That doesn’t mean everyone is,” said Simon quietly.

 

Bram’s head was spinning. If Simon was a straight, cis, white boy, there would be very little reason for that level of bitterness in his voice. If he were gay, though… that was another story.

 

Before Bram could even fathom a response, Simon’s phone buzzed and lit up. Bram was not prying, but he couldn’t help but look at it. He couldn’t help but see that the contact was written as “Maddie :)."

 

Bram’s heart sank.

 

Simon glanced at it and smiled a little, but then looked back at Bram, who gestured halfheartedly towards the phone.

 

“She seems cool.”

 

Simon, it seemed, couldn’t help but grin. “Oh, she is.”

 

Something hit Simon squarely in the face, and they both looked over at Abby, who was giggling uncontrollably, and Leah, who was smiling somewhat mischievously.

 

“Simon,” Leah said, louder than necessary, “are you talking about your newest and most bestest friend?” She made her voice high pitched and did a fairly good imitation of an anime character.

 

Simon threw a piece of his own slice back at them. His aim was comically poor and ended up hitting the bedside table and falling to the floor. Everyone burst out laughing. Even Bram found himself chuckling. Simon was just so _cute_.

 

He pulled up his knees, crossed his arms over them, and leaned back against the dresser, pouting. “I hate you all.”

 

“This about that girl Maddie?” Garrett asked. “She seemed super cool, man. You into her or something?”

 

Abby burst out laughing, and Simon glared at her. While he wasn’t looking, Garrett winked at Bram. He wanted to die. If this was Garrett’s version of wingmanning, he strongly wished he had stayed in their room.

 

“ _No_ ,” Simon said emphatically. “She’s not my type, she lives on the other side of the world, and she has a girlfriend.”

 

That threw Bram completely off. It’s not that Simon couldn’t have a crush on a girl who was dating someone else, but Simon didn’t sound sad about it. He sounded embarrassed and annoyed with his friends, not upset that his dream girl was taken. Bram didn’t know him that well, not really, not outside his videos, but he couldn’t help but think he’d recognize genuine disappointment if he saw it on Simon’s face.

 

A familiar question curled itself in his gut.

 

“She can’t make it to VidCon, so I told her she could live vicariously through me. Apparently I have been neglecting her, even though I’ve already sent her like, 20 snaps today and VidCon hasn’t even started.”

 

“So I think what you’re saying,” Abby said with a huge grin on her face, “is that it’s selfie time.”

 

Simon shook his head but scooted forward and held his phone at the ready. Bram smiled as normally as he could as Simon took the photo.

 

“Make sure to send it to me, too,” Abby called from across the room.

 

“Yeah, yeah.”

 

Simon then glanced at Bram then back at his phone. “I could, um, also send it to you. I mean, if you want. Do you Snapchat? I mean, do you have Snapchat? I mean, it’s fine if you don’t, or if you don’t want to, I just thought I’d ask, you know. If you wanted.”

 

Bram couldn’t help but chuckle a little. He did want to, but he felt about as awkward about it as Simon sounded, so he just nodded and stuck his hand out for Simon’s phone.

 

It was such a joke that he’d thought he could just _ask_ Simon if he was Jacques. At the moment, though, he was intensely grateful that Garrett had forced him to download Snapchat, even though he barely used it. Maybe he should pretend like he used it all the time so he could casually send pictures to Simon and make it feel like it wasn’t a big deal. He could do that now, because he and Simon were friends on Snapchat.

 

When the picture appeared on his screen, he made sure to take a screen shot so he could keep it forever. Simon, seeing him do this, smiled, but Bram immediately felt weird.

 

“I, um--” He felt his cheeks heating up. “It would be nice to show my mom that I actually made some friends.”

 

“Bram, don’t worry, it’s cute,” Simon said quickly.

 

Bram’s heart stopped, and Simon’s eyes widened.

 

“That’s um, sorry, that’s not what I meant, I just meant it’s nice that you want to have pictures. I don’t know, that’s why I asked if you wanted it. Snapchat is so dumb anyway, the pictures just disappear after 5 seconds or whatever, and it like tells the other person if you screen shotted it? I mean, that’s just weird. I don’t know.”

 

Bram was glad that Simon was babbling, because his brain was stuck on _it’s cute it’s cute it’s cute it’s cute_

 

“Sorry if I made it weird.”

 

Maybe it was the equivalent of 2 to 3 shots of vodka running through his veins, maybe it was the intense desire to get to know Simon better. Maybe he didn’t want to be a coward anymore.

 

He held Simon’s gaze and said as evenly has he could, “You didn’t.”

 

Surprisingly, it was Simon who looked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU COULD CUT THAT SEXUAL TENSION WITH A KNIFE
> 
> Thanks to [Balthy](http://thealpacalypse.tumblr.com), who sent me a really awesome pump up speech in their most recent email. 
> 
> Blah blah [my tumblr](http://ofcourseitsinsidemyhead.tumblr.com), etc. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	6. slowly counting down the days til I finally know your name

VidCon was a whirlwind. An incredible, colorful, sweaty, heart pounding whirlwind. There were panels and concerts and networking events and meetups, where Simon gave out so many hugs and autographs that he thought his arms were going to fall off. His cheeks actually hurt from smiling so much, and his throat was sore from all the talking and cheering he was doing. But the whole thing was completely amazing.

 

He sent what felt like dozens of snaps an hour to Maddie and his other friends, he posted a bunch of photos on Instagram and Twitter, and his camera got passed around between him and all his friends, collecting footage that would be compiled into a vlog (or several) later.

 

As much fun as he was having, Simon couldn’t help but overanalyze every encounter he had with guys around his age who could conceivably be gay. He didn’t really have the heart anymore to email Blue, but he kept wondering if he ever passed or met him. After all, he knew Blue watched his videos. It was entirely possible he’d come to a panel or meetup.

 

He also found himself actively trying to not think about Bram. Wondering if Bram might be gay felt too much like wishful thinking, and he still couldn’t shake the lingering guilt over having a crush on someone else.

 

The thought had crossed his mind, for a split second, that Bram might be Blue, but he dismissed it immediately. That was 100% Simon Logic, as Alice would say. And Nora, for that matter. It would only make him feel awkward around Bram. Besides, he felt weird speculating about who Blue could be when Blue so clearly didn’t want Simon to know who he was.

 

Anyway, the more time he spent with Bram, the harder it was to believe that he could send secret, anonymous, flirty emails to anyone. Not that he wasn’t great, it just didn’t seem much like him.

 

But maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. Thinking about Blue at Vidcon was guaranteed to bring him down, and Simon had no desire to feel down at Vidcon. Besides, he had plenty to occupy him to keep his mind off things—like the weirdly high number of times he and his friends ran into Bram and Garrett.

 

He assumed that their paths wouldn’t cross much, since he and Bram had very little in common, vlogging wise. On Wednesday, after they had all registered and had very little to do until the concert started that evening, Garrett and Nick decided that they’d all go out to lunch. Then Thursday morning, somehow Leah roped Simon into going to a fandom discourse panel where Bram was speaking.

 

The most surprising thing was Thursday afternoon, when Bram showed up to one of Simon’s meetups. A decent chunk of the people there freaked out and bombarded him for pictures and autographs, which Bram took fairly in stride, then he sat down near Simon. Nick had stolen Simon’s ukulele and was playing for a somewhat entranced audience off to one side. Abby was deep in conversation with a couple girls, and Leah was on camera duty. She was grinning entirely too widely for Simon’s liking.

 

“Hey, what are you doing here?” he asked, super aware that everyone in the near vicinity (and the camera) was watching him.

 

Bram shrugged. “I had some time to kill, I thought I’d say hi.”

 

One of the people he’d been chatting with (was her name Marissa?) asked, “Omigod, are you guys friends?”

 

Simon’s first instinct was to answer truthfully. Sort of, but they’d only met a few days ago. But who would really care? Plus, it wasn’t really anyone’s business.

 

“Yeah,” he answered simply.

 

Bram gave him a shy smile. Simon returned with what he hoped was a totally platonic grin.

 

“Why haven’t you guys ever collabbed?” someone else asked. Ethan? Simon used to think he was pretty good at names and faces, but that was before he met hundreds of people in the span of two days.

 

“Yeah, Simon, why haven’t you?” Leah asked. Simon wanted so badly to glare at her.

 

Chuckling somewhat nervously, he said, “Well, I don’t know if you noticed, but our videos aren’t exactly alike.”

 

“So?” Bram said softly, surprising Simon. Of all the people who wanted this to happen, he didn’t think Bram would be one of them. “We could get creative. It would be fun.”

 

“Yeah, omigod, please do it. It would be insanely good.”

 

Simon couldn’t help but smile at that. He hoped all the ego boosting he was getting this weekend wouldn’t go to his head. “Okay, we’ll see what we can do.”

 

They hung out and chatted with the people that came and went, and Simon had to admit that the people who watched his videos (even thinking the word “fans” felt incredibly douchey to him) were _cool_. Like, he had no idea why any of them gave him the time of day. Despite insisting that no one needed to give him anything, he got fanart and homemade cookies and handwritten letters. One girl even gifted him a hand painted ukulele, with a moonlit Hogwarts on one side and a hippogriff soaring against the night sky on the other, with a tiny person on its back with wild blonde hair and glasses. The words _Simon Says, Sing!_ were painted in careful Harry Potter font along the side.

 

Simon was too dumbfounded to say anything for at least a minute. He gave it a few experimental strums, and the girl (Elena– he would remember her name, that was for sure) said, “I’m sorry, it might be a little out of tune.”

 

“Are you kidding me? Don’t be sorry, this is maybe the most amazing thing anyone has ever given me. Not to sound completely cliché, but I can’t accept this.”

 

“Oh, you definitely can,” Elena said, grinning. “I can’t even play.”

 

“Dude, it’s so easy, you could totally learn.”

 

She smiled. “Nah, it makes me happier to give it to you. Especially because the look on your face is absolutely priceless.”

 

“Jesus, just… thanks.”

 

“You’re welcome. I made it to thank you for generally being awesome. I had a bit of a rough year, but your videos always make me smile, no matter what.”

 

Now, Simon was in danger of bursting into tears. When Elena and her friends had to go, Simon gave her a huge hug. Then he slumped back against the wall.

 

Something big must be happening soon, because the meetup had dispersed and a bunch of people seemed to be heading in one direction, but Simon could not for the life of him remember anything about the schedule.

 

“What the hell,” he said, not really a question. He couldn’t stop grinning. He also couldn’t take his hands off the uke. “I don’t get it.”

 

“I don’t know if the tens of thousands of subscribers clued you in or not, but people like your videos,” Abby said with a shove.

 

“Yeah, but…” He shook his head. “I don’t get it. I’m just like, singing. Or talking. Or doing dumb tag videos with you guys.”

 

Bram shook his head, smiling his small smile.

 

“Do you ever feel like a complete imposter?”

 

“All the time,” Bram replied.

 

____________________________________

 

Bram had no idea what his life had become. Somehow, he was hanging out with Simon Spier, alone in his hotel room. Not that anything scandalous had happened, but Bram was pretty sure it was one of the best evenings of his existence.

 

He wasn’t sure he liked what that said about his existence.

 

They filmed a video for Bram’s channel first, where Bram came up with a “two truths and a lie” like quiz about the weirdest stuff that happened in comics. Simon was, predictably, pretty terrible. Part of that had to do with the fact that Simon had never read any comics, but it said a lot more about the insanity of comic book universes.

 

When he’d knocked on Simon’s door, his heart had been pounding in his throat. He’d tried to convince Garrett to film with them, but Garrett had winked and said “No way, Jose.” Bram figured this was more of his “wingmanning.”

 

The more time he spent with Simon, though, the easier it was to talk to him. And laugh with him. Simon was really, genuinely funny, in real life and not just on camera. That wasn’t exactly surprising to Bram, but he was surprised at how Simon started to put him at ease. His jokes were never mean, even when they were at Bram’s expense. Despite his definite crush, he started to be able to talk to Simon like a normal human being.

 

Being in vlog mode did help, at least at first. After a while, though, he found he didn’t need his on-camera persona to feel comfortable.

 

Well, maybe not comfortable. At least Bram didn’t feel like he was going to throw up, or blurt out that he was Blue, or kiss Simon straight on the mouth. He wasn’t sure which of those options would be worse.

 

Hearing Simon laugh over and over again at the craziest comic facts made everything worth it.

 

Simon was still giggling through his outro, and when he finally signed off, Simon said, “I can’t believe Peter Parker uses his spider sense to make _pancakes_.”

 

Bram grinned and shook his head. “I tell you that all of Deadpool’s severed body parts joined to form a new, evil Deadpool, and that’s what you fixate on?”

 

“But that’s like, normal comic shenanigans. That’s big epic weird. Spiderman knowing exactly when to flip pancakes is just adorable.”

 

“Hey, comics can be pretty adorable.”

 

Simon held Bram’s eyes for a few seconds too long before saying, “Yeah, well I know that _now._ ” Then he clapped his hands together. “Okay okay, my turn.”

 

Bram was a tiny bit worried Simon would make him sing, but what actually happened was almost worse. Simon (and his new ukulele) sang bits of songs from musicals, then made Bram try to guess what shows they were from. Bram hoped Simon wouldn’t notice his blush while editing. Nothing could really prepare him for Simon singing so off handedly in person. He clearly wasn’t trying to impress anyone, but that made his voice sound even cuter. When he started a song that Bram knew he’d never guess, not even with multiple choice, Simon would start chuckling mid-word at the desperate look on Bram's face.

 

Just when he didn’t think Simon could get any cuter, something like that would happen and Bram’s heart would turn over for the umpteenth time.

 

When Simon decided he’d tortured Bram enough (also known as when he thought he had enough footage), he filmed his outro and finally turned the camera off. Even though there wasn’t a huge difference in the way Simon behaved on and off camera, it was still like watching a switch get flipped in Simon’s body. They’d been sitting on the floor (a time-honored VidCon collab setting), and Simon slumped against the side of one of the beds.

 

“Tired?” Bram asked.

 

“Yeah,” Simon sighed. “But that was so much fun.”

 

“Yeah,” Bram said with a smile. Maybe it wasn’t as huge as Simon’s, but it wasn’t his shy, stupid smile, either.

 

“VidCon just takes so much energy, you know? But it’s been freaking incredible so far.”

 

“I know what you mean. I keep feeling like I need to hide away from people in order to recover.”

 

“Exactly! But like, I also don’t want to miss anything.”

 

“Exactly.” Bram took a deep breath, then asked, “You ready for your concert tomorrow?”

 

Simon looked sharply at him, still smiling. “Yeah, I think so. Now that I have this awesome new uke that I can’t wait to show off to literally everyone.”

 

“It is very cool.”

 

“I know, right?” Simon was still grinning at him, and Bram couldn’t help but feel like maybe they were on the edge of something. “You doing anything tomorrow afternoon? You should come.”

 

Bram, who had definitely already been planning on going, tried not to sound to eager when he responded. “Of course I will! It’ll be cool to see you live.”

 

Simon shook his head. “I still can’t believe you of all people watch my videos.”

 

Bram chuckled. “Why?”

 

“I don’t know, because it’s so random? Because you’re way more famous than me?”

 

_Because I’m totally obsessed with you?_

“Well, Garrett introduced me—”

 

“Yeah, and what are the freaking chances that one of Leah’s favorite YouTubers is best friends with someone we used to hang out with in high school?”

 

“I don’t know, probably pretty small, but the odds of getting well known on YouTube are pretty small, too.”

 

“I guess. I honestly don’t think it’s that hard, I just don’t think a lot of people do it.”

 

“Don’t tell me you don’t spend hours planning, shooting, and editing your stuff?”

 

“I mean, I do, but—”

 

Bram cut him off, which was very unlike him. “It takes hard work, and you know it. It also takes… a spark. Which you definitely have.”

 

This time, Bram couldn’t blame alcohol for feeling so brave. Simon’s eyes were like thunderclouds, almost crackling with intensity.

 

If Bram were 5% more sure of himself, of Simon, of Blue and Jacques, Bram would have tried to kiss him.

 

Which definitely wasn’t like him.

 

Bram was the one to look away first. Simon sounded pleased and embarrassed when he said, “Thanks.”

 

“No problem.”

 

Bram didn’t stick around long after that. It was getting somewhat late, but Nick, Leah, and Abby hadn’t come back to the room. Garrett also hadn’t texted him in a couple hours. He kind of wondered if there was some big plot that he didn’t know about.

 

Anyway, it was too intense being with Simon after that, so he left for his room as casually as he could. When Garrett finally came in, he was grinning like a madman.

 

“Soooooo, how’d it go?”

 

Bram threw a pillow at him.

 

The next day, time couldn’t seem to make up its mind whether to go quickly or slowly. Sometimes, Bram couldn’t wait until 3, and the seconds took forever to pass. Other times, the idea of seeing Simon perform and talking to him afterwards filled him with anxiety, and he seemed to blink and an hour would pass.

 

It wasn’t like he wasn’t having the time of his life—he definitely was. He was just annoyed at how distracted he was all the time. Panels were easier, because he could be focused and present when there was something to really listen to. It helped that everyone always had insightful and smart things to say, so it wasn’t really that hard to focus and pay attention.

 

His meet and greet went okay too, even though the parade of people who all wanted hugs and signatures and pictures was a bit overwhelming. Once those two hours were over, Bram retreated to their room for some much needed alone time, even if he only had about a half an hour until he needed to go back to the con.

 

The worst was when random fans would spot him on the floor. He was always happy to talk to them, but there were definitely some times where someone would say his name three or four times before he heard them, or he lost the thread of the conversation he was having. He’d read somewhere once that Nathan Fillion always committed himself one hundred percent to each fan encounter for a minute. Bram was decidedly not doing that.

 

The thing was, Bram was working up the nerve to talk to Simon. Really talk to him. And at any given moment, his brain was at least forty percent occupied with trying to figure out what to say.

 

The more time he spent with Simon, the more he was sure. The more time he spent with Simon, the more time he wanted to spend with Simon. The more time he spent with Simon, the more he wanted to kiss his stupid face off.

 

It was a lot for one guy to handle, okay?

 

Nerves and excitement coiled themselves around one another in his stomach. If only there was some way to be absolutely sure, then maybe he wouldn’t still be so afraid.

 

But the idea of dating someone, of being out—the more time he spent with Simon, the less scary that seemed. Either that, or the euphoria of just the idea of dating Simon was outweighing the fear.

 

Rationally, he knew that he was wildly overthinking this and getting incredibly ahead of himself. He couldn’t help it.

 

He had wanted to be casual and fashionably late to the concert, but he couldn’t focus on anything after 2:30 and ended up at the space fifteen minutes early, with Garrett trailing behind him trying and failing not to make fun.

 

One of the other singers was doing a sound check, but a bunch of people had already staked out spots near the stage. Bram was hoping to just lurk in the back like the obsessed stalker that he was, but Garrett dragged him by the arm over to where he could see Abby’s hair sticking out from behind the stage.

 

“Oh my god, hi guys!” Abby, who was a hugger, hugged them both, but only with one hand, because the other was entwined with Leah’s.

 

Bram couldn’t help but smile at that.

 

“I’m so glad you guys made it!” Simon said.

 

Bram’s eyes moved to Simon, and he felt the smile melt off his face.

 

Bram thought it was impossible for Simon to look any better than he already did. It’s not that he looked better, necessarily, but rather than cute, he was… hot. He wasn’t wearing his glasses, he’d clearly taken a little more care picking out his clothes for the live show, and he was wearing _makeup._ Specifically, eyeliner. His eyes, which Bram was already somewhat obsessed with, seemed even more intense with the enhancement and without being hidden behind anything. The rest of his features were sharper than usual. Bram had a hard time tearing his eyes away.

 

He forced himself to look away and smile, but his heart was racing and he could feel his cheeks heating up. He was thankful he wasn’t pale like Leah, because then everyone would clearly see what a mess he was.

 

He definitely wasn’t fooling Garrett, but he might be able to salvage his dignity in front of his new friends.

 

“Yeah, of course.” He managed to look back at Simon without combusting. Now that he was expecting it, it didn’t hit him so hard.

 

And if he kept telling himself that, it might even turn out to be true.

 

Garrett broke the tension in true Garrett fashion. “Dude, your eyes look like they’re taking over your face.”

 

Simon grinned. He might have been wearing a hint of lipstick too, because his mouth looked a touch darker than it usually did. Not that Bram spent a lot of time staring at Simon’s mouth.

 

Jesus, he needed to get it together.

 

“Yeah, I know. I didn’t want to wear my glasses because of the glare and stuff. I decided to do a bit of stage makeup—”

 

Abby cleared her throat.

 

“Fine, Abby did a minor bit of convincing to get me to do stage makeup, like we do for plays. Well, not exactly like that, there it’s a little bit heavier, but anyway—yeah. I almost never wear my contacts, so it’s weird, but I kind of like it.”

 

“Yeah, it looks great, man. You're _smokin'._ ”

 

Simon chuckled. “Thanks.”

 

Bram could only nod and hope he wasn’t smiling too creepily.

 

Someone with a clipboard came around the side and told them that someone named Hailey would be going on in five.

 

In perfect unison, Simon and Abby said, “Thank you five.” Then they caught each other’s eye and burst out laughing.

 

Leah gave them an intense side eye, but it was undercut by the fact that she was still holding Abby’s hand and looking very pleased with herself. “Theater kids.”

 

Desperate to recover somewhat farther from the supernova that was Simon Spier, Bram said, “Well, we should go find spots. Good luck!”

 

Abby looked horrified, but Simon elbowed her and waved.

 

“Well, that was embarrassing,” Garrett said, shit eating grin etched firmly on his face.

 

“Shut _up_.”

 

With a bit of maneuvering, they managed to get a spot near the stage, if somewhat off to the side. Bram didn’t know exactly what he’d been expecting, but the room was pretty packed and full of excited voices. When the girl with the clipboard (without her clipboard) walked on to introduce the first act, everyone around Bram and Garret started screaming. After three days, Bram still wasn’t used to it. It was like being in the stands at the UGA football game his dad brought him to once, only no one had painted their chest.

 

Bram had fully expected to be unable to focus on anyone that wasn’t Simon, but the first girl, Hailey, was really good. Bram didn’t consider himself much of a music guy, but maybe watching Simon for over a year had made him appreciate it more. She had a sweet voice, and her fingers moved over her keyboard with practiced ease. She was also really funny. More than once, either due to her jokes or her lyrics, Bram found himself laughing out loud. It was also nice to see people cheering super loudly for a girl of color, so Bram found himself writing down her channel name, intent to check it out more later.

 

Then it was Simon’s turn, and Bram felt his breath catch in his chest. Everyone in the crowd was going insane, and Simon looked happy and adorable and not a bit nervous, even though Bram knew he probably was.

 

“What’s up guys, how’s it going?” he asked cheerfully, and the whoops he got in response were high pitched and somewhat deafening. Bram would never admit it, but he was among them.

 

“That’s good to hear. I just want to thank you guys for coming out to see us, and to everyone who’s hung out with me for the past few days, making this such an awesome experience.”

 

Then he started playing. It wasn’t a song Bram knew, which meant that Simon had never covered it on his channel, but a lot of people seemed to know it. It was slow and sweet and involved a lot of Simon’s hands moving across the ukulele, picking out individual notes.

 

_I want to write you a song_

_One to make your heart remember me_

_So any time I'm gone_

_You can listen to my voice and sing along_

_I want to write you a song_

_I want to write you a song_

 

It wasn’t like every love song Bram heard these days _had_ to be about Simon/Jacques, but… yeah.

 

Bram joined in with the cheering when Simon played out the last chord (or whatever, Bram didn’t know shit about music).

 

Simon was grinning. “Thanks guys! I’m glad you can still like me after singing something that was actually played on the radio.” Simon seemed so natural and at ease, Bram couldn’t believe this was his first time playing a live concert. “I know I might lose some of my indie cred by singing a One Direction song, but I honestly don’t really care. It’s a great song. You know what will make me lose even more indie cred?” He strummed four chords, which Bram was pretty sure he recognized, though not as immediately as the rest of the crowd, who proceeded to lose their minds. “Singing a song from one of the most mainstream musicals ever.”

 

_You say_

_The price of my love’s not a price that you’re willing to pay_

 

Bram grinned. Simon was good at straight up singing, but he was _amazing_ at acting at the same time. He really leaned in to the ridiculousness of the song and the part, and he was _hilarious_. You wouldn’t think someone could go from a slow, sappy song to a flamboyant Broadway cover, but Simon could.

 

The crowd seemed to cheer even louder when he was done. Simon ran a hand through his hair. Bram didn’t know if Abby had also messed with that, but now it was sticking up in a less controlled way.

 

“Okay, wow. Cool. Good to know that we’re all still obsessed. I’m so glad there’s at least three songs in that show I can cover without needing to figure out how to rap with a ukulele. Also being like, unbelievably white.”

 

He adjusted his grip on his uke. “Like I was saying before, thank you all so much for coming out to see us. VidCon was really nice to give us this space, and I have to admit I was a teeny bit worried no one would show. Not really, because everyone who I’m sharing the stage with today is amazing, but still. You guys always amaze me, because you’re always so nice and cool and creative. I mean, look at this right here.” He held up the ukulele. “Someone _painted_ this and then _gave_ it to me. I mean, who does that? Is Elena here? Sorry, I don’t mean to call you out, but if you’re comfortable, wave or something.”

 

Elena, grinning, waved a hand for a few seconds as the crowd cheered around her.

 

“Like, seriously, thank you. Thank all of you. It’s been so great to meet the real people who watch my stuff for the past two days, and I can’t wait to hang with you all more.” He cleared his throat, repositioned his ukulele, and then said, “Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.”

 

There was a burst of laughter, and Simon grinned even wider. “Psyche! I’m actually going to play one of my favorite songs of all time. It’s one of the oldest videos on my channel, and honestly, I don’t think a lot of you are going to know it, but you know what? This is my time, and I can do whatever I want for these twenty minutes.”

 

Oh no.

 

“I can’t really do it justice on a ukulele, but I’ll do my best. I couldn’t bring my guitar, and Leah _definitely_ couldn’t drag her drum kit all the way out here, but she’s gonna provide some percussion from backstage, because she said, and I quote, ‘Si, there is no way I am getting up there in front of a sea of excitement, hormones, and happiness.’ She has an image to maintain, so I didn’t push.”

 

Oh _no._

 

“This song is by a man named Elliott Smith, who’s been dead for most of my life but whose music I have been obsessed with for about as long, and this song is called Waltz #2.”

 

_Oh no._

 

Then he started strumming, and Bram thought he might implode. He knew that was actually impossible, but his heart was beating so fast. Musically, the song was less intense than the original video, but the fact that Simon was performing it live made it more so. Bram didn’t think he had a thing for music or musicians, but the song was affecting him more than it really should. Maybe it was just because of the connection to Jacques. Jacques was at VidCon. Jacques knew that Blue was at VidCon. If Jacques was Simon, was Simon trying to send a signal?

 

It was all just so damn confusing.

 

The song ended eventually, and Bram tried to cheer enthusiastically with everyone else, but he noticed Garrett looking at him a little oddly.

 

“All right, now that we’ve gotten the indie angst out of the way, who wants some musical angst?” Cheers. “Wow, you guys are almost as ridiculous as I am, I super appreciate that. My sister Alice would think we’re all nuts. She does not appreciate my carefully curated playlists, and always makes fun of me for listening to sad music. When I was fourteen, I made a playlist called The Great Depression that I still listen to whenever I’m sad. I thought the name was oh so very clever, and now I won’t change it because it would just be way too confusing. Also, I kind of still think it’s clever.” Laughter. “Okay, musicals! Has anyone ever heard of the Unauthorized Biography of Samantha Brown?” A few cheers. “Oh man, cool! I haven’t listened to the whole thing, because you can’t find it anywhere, but I first heard this song while stalking Jeremy Jordan covers on YouTube.”

 

Bram’s heart stopped. It’s not like multiple people couldn’t like Jeremy Jordan—a cursory round of Googling proved that—but he _knew_ Jacques was into him. Like, very into him.

 

There was a very real possibility Bram was thinking so hard about this that he was going crazy.

 

“He does it _way_ better than me, I’m sure, but whatever, I’m obsessed, and when I’m obsessed I sing things over and over until my friends and family beat me with shovels. This is meant for piano or guitar, and I kind of figured out the chords for the ukulele on my own, so bear with me.”

 

Why did he have to keep picking love songs?

 

The song started soft, built to a really intense climax in the middle, then came down at the end, and Simon sang it with everything he had. He seemed a bit lost in it for a minute, as did the audience, because it took a second for the clapping and cheering to start.

 

Simon’s grin was a bit softer now. “Okay, I think I’ve earned back some of my hipster nonsense cred. I want to thank you all again, so much, for coming out and supporting us. It really means the world.”

 

Bram couldn’t get over how Simon kept saying “us” and not “me”.

 

“Now, to finish off, I’m going to play a Dodie song. Because, duh.” Cheers. “You guys, I got to meet her yesterday, and she gave me a hug and it was magical. Ninety percent of the work I do on YouTube led up to that moment, to be somewhat famous enough to maybe go up and say hi to her at a musician’s networking event. I’m not even kidding. Obviously, feel free to sing along.”

 

The song he started was upbeat, and it was another one that he’d covered previously on his channel.

 

_I have a question_

_It might seem strange…_

 

Maybe it was because so many people knew the song, maybe it was because it was so lighthearted and fun (even though the lyrics were a bit depressing, which Bram didn’t quite get), but this song was different than all the others. People sang along, they danced in place, people who were clearly couples held hands and swayed together. Garrett, big doofus that he was, threw his arm around Bram’s shoulders and shouted along slightly offkey.

 

_I like you, but that’s not enough_

_So if you will, please fall in love with me_

The song ended decisively, with lots of cheering, and Simon waved and walked off stage while Bram was still in a bit of a daze.

 

Amidst the noise of the next person getting on stage, Garrett leaned over and said, “If I didn’t think he’d chosen the songs he was going to sing before he got here, I would _totally_ think he was coming onto you.”

 

Bram tried to play it off, so he rolled his eyes and shoved Garrett’s arm off of him with more force than strictly necessary. The thought plagued him, though.

 

Simon didn’t know Bram was going to be at VidCon. Well, he did, but he didn’t know they’d become friends (and maybe flirt and have _moments_ —Bram still wasn’t clear on that bit).

 

Jacques, though—Jacques knew Blue would be here. Jacques had wanted to meet. Jacques was quite possibly mad at Blue for not wanting to meet. Maybe, if Jacques was Simon, he picked songs knowing Blue might hear. Or maybe it hadn’t necessarily been conscious.

 

Or maybe Simon wasn’t Jacques, and he was just a sap who loved love songs.

 

Bram felt like such an idiot. An idiot and a coward. Honestly, he was getting pretty tired of it. It was time to do something about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am. SO SORRY. I did not mean for this hiatus to take this long. My computer broke, and that took forever to fix, then I was moving, then my internet was out... it's been a mess. But I'm back! Might only post once a week through the end of the fic, though, we'll see. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you liked this super long, fluffy chapter! As always, comments are lovely and wonderful, and thanks to Balthy for the editing, commentary, and general life support.


	7. the way your hand feels round my waist

Simon was on a complete high. His heart had been pounding the entire time he was on stage, but he’d managed not to make a complete ass of himself. He’d remembered all the chords to the songs, he’d made people laugh…

 

Ridiculous. Amazing. 10/10 would do again.

 

When the last singer, Saumya, finished up their set, all five of them went on stage and sang White Winter Hymnal by the Fleet Foxes.

 

“Look,” Hailey said, “We know Pentatonix did it first, but we’re just going to forget about that, okay?”

 

The song had been Jordan’s idea, so she started it off, and everyone else picked up with harmonies and instruments as they went. It really was a cool song to do live with a five part harmony, and when it was over the crowd went insane.

 

This day might be the best day of Simon’s life. Abby tackled him with another hug (she’d given him a huge one after his set) when he came off stage, poking his cheeks in a very Abby way and saying, “You did so great!”

 

Nick and Leah also hugged him, which weirdly made Simon want to cry, a little. They weren’t big huggers.

 

“Okay, we need to celebrate. You don’t have anything else doing tonight, right?”

 

“Not that I can think of, no.”

 

“OK, Leah and I are going to find somewhere fabulous to go for dinner.” She grabbed Leah’s hand and pulled out her phone in one swift motion, then made a beeline over to the wall where she could Google in peace.

 

“Not sure why she needs Leah for that,” Nick remarked.

 

“Oh, leave them alone, they’re just excited to be a capital T Thing.”

 

Nick grinned. “How vomitous do you think they’ll get?”

 

“Abby? Very. Leah is unclear, but I feel like under all that cynicism there’s some sugary sweetness that is yet unplumbed.”

 

Nick glanced at him weirdly. “You know that now that you’re in college, you don’t need to have your SAT words memorized anymore, right?”

 

Simon forced out a laugh, but realized that sentence was somewhat Blue-like, which put a small dent in his mood. He chose to ignore it. “OK, time to go greet my adoring public.”

 

Nick rolled his eyes then followed Simon around the corner of the stage.

 

The floor had turned into a bit of an unofficial meet and greet. Simon got ushered into a few group photos and spent a lot of time hugging everyone and thanking everyone he could for coming. In the span of fifteen minutes, he got more compliments on his singing voice than he’d received in person in eighteen years.

 

Once the crowd started thinning, Simon noticed Bram and Garrett standing off to the side and made his way over.

 

Garrett immediately hugged him, which made Simon feel brave and not awkward enough to go for a hug with Bram, too. He spent the whole two seconds of it completely overanalyzing it and also thinking about how amazing Bram smelled (seriously, _how_ was it possible to smell that good after spending all day at a con).

 

“That was so beyond dope, man. Great job!”

 

Despite himself, Simon could feel himself really starting to like Garrett. He was just so genuinely nice and enthusiastic about everything, even if he overused the words “man”, “bro”, and “dude”.

 

“That was really incredible, Simon.” Bram’s compliment was quieter than Garrett’s, but it made Simon twice as happy.

 

“Thanks so much,” Simon replied, grinning widely. Not that he’d ever really stopped grinning. “And thanks again for coming.”

 

“We wouldn’t have missed it,” Bram said, after sharing a look with Garrett.

 

“Heck no.” Garrett paused for a second before turning to Nick and asking abruptly, “Hey, what ever happened to Dean from the team? Did he end up getting recruited?”

 

If Simon didn’t know any better, he would think that Garrett was trying to leave him and Bram alone.

 

Nick, also, fully turned his body to Garrett so that he was mostly facing away from Simon and Bram, and said, “Yeah, he got tapped for Georgia State. Don’t you think that guy Saumya looked a little like him?”

 

“Dude, I was thinking the same thing!”

 

The two of them not so subtly wandered away from Simon and Bram. Simon’s face felt like it was on fire, and he could tell Bram was blushing, too. He wanted to joke about it, to say something about how ridiculous it was, but to shine a light on it would mean to imply that their friends thought they liked each other. And that wasn’t something Simon could just _say_.

 

He felt completely tongue-tied, which was a bit of a new feeling.

 

Surprisingly, Bram cleared his throat and spoke first.

 

“Hey, maybe now isn’t the best time, but do you think you’ll have some time later to talk?”

 

Simon’s first instinct was to say “about what”, but he wasn’t sure Bram would tell him. He also wasn’t sure he could handle it if he knew.

 

“Uh, yeah, sure!” Simon said, as casually as he possibly could with his heart pounding in his ears. “We’re going out to dinner actually, want to come? We can talk after that. Or we can talk there. But no pressure, or anything. Whatever you want.” Simon could feel himself blushing _very_ hard.

 

Before Bram got a chance to answer, he glanced over at someone hovering at the edge of their vision. Simon vaguely recognized him, from one of his meetups, maybe?

 

“Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt you guys.”

 

“It’s fine,” Simon said, actually feeling a bit relieved to put on his public face. It gave him a break from the emotions churning in his stomach. “What’s up?”

 

The guy smiled shyly. “I just wanted to say you did an amazing job up there, and that I love your videos. I’m sure you’re sick of hearing that, I wish I had something cooler to say—”

 

Simon grinned. “I literally never get tired of hearing that kind of thing. I’m worried this entire weekend will inflate my ego to the point of no return.”

 

The other guy laughed, a bit nervously. Simon could honestly never get over people being nervous to meet him. What was his life?

 

He looked about seventeen or eighteen, too, so Simon couldn’t help the thought that he might be Blue. But he dismissed it and tried to act normally. Blue didn’t want to meet him anyway. It didn’t matter.

 

“Could I get a picture?”

 

“Absolutely.” Simon glanced at Bram. “You mind?”

 

Bram shook his head and took the guy’s phone.

 

The guy was thanking them when Abby and Leah rushed over, giggling madly. Well, Abby was giggling, Leah was more grinning somewhat evilly.

 

“We found the _perfect place_. I am so unbelievably excited, it’s not even that far.”

 

She showed him on her phone, and Simon felt panic rising in his throat.

 

It was called The Gage, and it looked like a gay bar.

 

“Okay, first of all, none of us have fake IDs.”

 

“They let minors in before 10, and it’s just like a diner until then.” She leaned her body weight into Simon, which was a weird thing she did when she was trying to convince him of something. What was weirder is that it usually worked. “Come on, come support your newly out and proud friends.”

 

Simon stopped himself from sighing. He was super happy for Abby and Leah, but the idea of going to a gay bar—gay diner, whatever—was both thrilling and terrifying. It also made him so, so sad that they could be out and together and he still felt like he needed to hide.

 

“Okay, fine, looks like we’re going to this queer diner for some food.”

 

Abby squealed.

 

Simon glanced at Bram. “You coming?”

 

Bram shook his head. “Sorry, I’m busy for the next couple of hours.”

 

Part of Simon wondered whether that was a lie. Was Bram uncomfortable going to a gay bar? (Diner, whatever.) Was he one of those guys who was “totally cool” with queer people until confronted with actual queer people? Unlikely, since he didn’t seem squicked by Abby and Leah at all, but maybe he was nervous about the idea of being hit on by gay guys?

 

(Well, so was Simon, but in a completely different way.)

 

Was this ruining their chance to talk later?

 

“But, um,” he smiled shyly, “I’ll text you later?”

 

Oh. “Yeah, sounds good.”

 

Once he’d left, Leah asked slyly, “When did you get Bram’s number?”

 

Simon elbowed her. “When we were going to film our collabs.”

 

“Uh huh. Come on, loverboy, let’s go get some food.”

 

Simon was not at all prepared for this place. It was loud, crowded, and smelled amazing. There were rainbows everywhere, and not just rainbows, but other pride flags too.

 

Somehow, also, everyone was attractive. The host was wearing a tight black shirt and jeans, and Simon could feel his face heating up as he tried not to stare. A tall waiter with bright blue hair walked past with a bunch of plates and a pitcher of what looked like beer, and his arm brushed Simon’s, and Simon felt like he was going to combust.

 

They got a table after a few excruciating minutes of waiting. Leah and Abby were grinning and holding hands, and Nick somehow looked perfectly at ease.

 

Simon didn’t even bother sitting down. “I’ll be right back, I’m going to the bathroom.” He needed a minute.

 

The bathroom break didn’t really help all that much, but he was maybe 8% calmer as he made a beeline back towards their table. His feels then ratcheted up by 739% when he bumped into someone. A very hot someone.

 

“Whoa there,” the guy said with a smile. “What’s the hurry?”

 

“Sorry,” Simon managed to stutter out.

 

The guy smiled, showing off very white and slightly crooked teeth. “Don’t worry about it.” He squinted a bit, either like he was checking Simon out or trying to place him. Maybe a bit of both. “Hey, aren’t you Shawna’s friend?”

 

Simon couldn’t speak, so he just shook his head.

 

The guy grinned. “Sorry, that’s so awkward, you look just like him.”

 

Part of Simon wondered whether that was a lie.

 

“That’s okay. I must just have one of those faces.”

 

“Maybe.” The guy was smiling more softly now, and Simon was about 78% sure it was a flirty smile. “Can I buy you a drink to make it up to you?”

 

Definitely flirting. _Okay, Simon, focus._ He was very glad for the dim lighting, since maybe it was hiding his heated face. “Yeah, that would be cool.”

 

The guy extended his hand. “I’m Peter, by the way. What’s your name?”

 

“Simon.”

 

Peter held Simon’s hand for a beat too long.

 

Simon decided he liked queer diners where you could just assume everyone was queer. If a guy seemed like he was flirting with you, he probably was. None of this in-between bullshit where you flirt with someone and then ask to go out on a date only to get categorically rejected. If you’re at a gay bar, you’re comfortable going for it.

 

Well, maybe not, in Simon’s case. But boy, was it fun to pretend.

 

(If only he could stop thinking about _someone_.)

 

“So, Simon, what will you have?”

 

Simon debated for just a split second. It’s not like he’s never had alcohol before, but he was tired and probably dehydrated from VidCon and the concert, and he also didn’t want to get this nice guy in trouble if the bar decided to card both of them. But his voice was smaller than he meant it to be when he said, “Just a Coke, is fine.”

 

The music and the chatter were pretty loud, so Peter leaned in close enough for Simon to feel his breath on his ear and half-shouted back, “What was that?”

 

“Just a Coke is ok.”

 

Peter smiled. “A cheap date, I like it.”

 

Simon’s heart sped up.

 

Peter got his soda (he was having a beer but didn’t seem all that drunk), and while they were waiting for it, asked, “Are you here for the con?”

 

Simon had suspected that Peter didn’t recognize him, and now he was almost certain he didn’t. If he did, he was playing it incredibly cool. “Yeah, you?”

 

“Yeah. Having fun?”

 

Simon grinned, and forced the flirtiest thing out that he could around the giant ball of nerves that had formed in his throat. “Oh, definitely.”

 

His Coke arrived, and Peter held out his glass. “Cheers.”

 

They chatted for a bit longer, mostly making small talk, but it was the most sexually charged small talk Simon had ever experienced… until Leah came to drag him away with an odd look on her face.

 

“Maybe I’ll see you around?” Peter asked, looking a bit disappointed.

 

“Yeah.”

 

As they walked towards their table, Simon asked, “What did you do that for?”

 

“First of all, your burger’s cold. Second of all, we’re your friends and want to talk with you.”

 

Simon rolled his eyes.

 

“Third of all, there’s something you should see.”

* * *

 

Bram was halfway through his email to Jacques email when he saw the Tweet.

 

It was one of the most emotionally intense pieces of writing he’d ever done, and he was agonizing over every word. It had to be perfect. He wouldn’t tell Garrett what he was doing, just sitting on the bed intently typing. Finally Garrett had gotten fed up and went back to the con to find something fun to do.

 

Bram had needed a break, so he’d opened Twitter. He’d only scrolled for a few minutes before he saw it.

 

The Tweet consisted of a video and the caption, “OMG YOU GUYS, SIMON SPIER IS FLIRTING WITH SOME DUDE AT A GAY BAR”. The video was maybe six seconds long, and it set off a hurricane in Bram’s chest.

 

It was as clear as a phone’s camera could get in a somewhat dimly lit place. The room was crowded, but Simon’s face stood out near a bar talking to some guy. No, not just talking. There was something else going on. The way Simon was smiling, and the way the guy was leaning in to talk in his ear…

 

The tweet was from someone Bram didn’t recognize, probably a viewer, but it had spread like wildfire. Scrolling through the replies (Bram knew it was a bad idea, but he couldn’t help himself), there was a combination of vindicated I KNEW ITs, rampant speculation, and the occasional person berating the poster. Bram flagged the tweet, feeling ashamed that he hadn’t done so right away, knowing it probably wouldn’t do anything, since Twitter’s abuse policies were utter crap.

 

Bram, in theory, knew he couldn’t be objective about this. He knew he couldn’t actually figure out what was going on in that video.

 

What he did know, though, was that Simon was in for an utter shitstorm when he logged back online.

 

A shitstorm Bram could _easily_ be caught in.

 

It’s not that he didn’t want to help Simon out. He was just utterly terrified. Besides, Simon had only known him for a few days. What were the chances he wanted Bram to commiserate with? Bram also didn’t have the first idea what to do when your friend had been outed. Or fake outed.

 

Bram pulled out his phone and tried to think of something that wasn’t utterly asinine to say.

 

_Not to interrupt your fun time with friends, but you might want to check Twitter._

 

DELETE.

 

_I saw what was going on on Twitter, do you need anything?_

 

DELETE.

 

_Simon, are you okay?_

DELETE.

 

As much as he hated to admit it, he couldn’t engage. Bram didn’t know what he could say that wasn’t a drop in the bucket compared to what Simon was going through, and besides, he couldn’t stop thinking of all the ways _he_ could be outed if he wasn’t incredibly careful. It was why he hadn’t agreed to meet Jacques, after all. Well, part of the reason why.

 

No matter what, he wasn’t ready to come out to the world. Not yet.

 

He needed time, which was a luxury he had, but Simon didn’t. And as guilty as it made him feel, he was going to run with that luxury for as long as he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's keeping my promises o'clock! Barring any crazy circumstances, I'll keep posting weekly until the story is done... which may only be a few more weeks. We're close, y'all. 
> 
> Sorry not sorry about the bomb drop. You didn't think this was gonna be fluffy all the way through, did you? *disney villain voice* FOOLS
> 
> Comments make my entire life, and thanks as ever to Balthy for their constant stream of comments, support, and flails.


	8. the way you laugh, the way your kisses taste

Simon almost didn’t pick up the phone when he saw it vibrate and light up on the bedside table. On reflex, he checked who was calling him, sighed, and answered.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey,” came Nora’s soothing voice. Simon felt something small inside him twist and unclench. He hadn’t realized how much he’d needed to hear from his sister.

 

“Hey, bub.”

 

Simon’s vision went blurry. Make that both of his sisters. He was glad he was alone in the hotel room.

 

“Alice is here, too.”

 

Simon tried to keep his voice even as he said, “I can see that.”

 

Alice’s laugh was weird and short lived. “How are you doing, bub?”

 

“Shockingly, I’ve been better.”

 

“That definitely checks out,” Nora said. She sounded… bitter. A bit like Simon was feeling, actually.

 

“Just so we’re clear, though… It’s true. I’m… I’m gay.”

 

“Yeah, we figured,” Nora said. Then, “Ow, Alice.”

 

“Thanks for telling us, Simon.”

 

“Did you guess?”

 

“I mean, no. But we know you, and this is the kind of thing you could have laughed off if it wasn’t true, I think.” Nora said evenly. “Also you were clearly flirting with that guy. I’m sorry, but it was very obvious.”

 

Simon buried his face in his hand. “I _know_. I was kind of doing it on purpose. I just didn’t think it would get caught on film.”

 

“Well, for what it’s worth,” Alice said carefully, “it looked like you were having fun in the video.”

 

Simon's throat felt like it was closing with tears. “I was,” he whispered.

 

“I want you to know I’m sending big hug vibes your way. And you will have fun at a gay bar again, I promise.”

 

Simon, magically, was able to laugh a little. “Thanks. Maybe not for a little while, though.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

They were quiet for a moment, but Simon was so damn grateful to have them on his side.

 

“Si?”

 

“Yeah, Nora?”

 

“Can I ask maybe a not so great question?”

 

“Nora…” Alice said, slight warning in her voice.

 

“No, it’s okay. What?”

 

“Why did you go to a gay bar if you’re not out yet?”

 

“It was Abby and Leah’s idea, actually. They’re um… dating now.”

 

Simon heard Alice take in a breath, but Nora just snorted and said, “Finally.”

 

“And I don’t know, part of me wanted to pretend to be out around people who didn’t know me, you know? At first it was just going to be me and Nick pretending to be straight folks going along with our queer friends, but I don’t know, Peter started talking to me, and I just… wanted to. So I did. It was probably stupid–“

 

“Simon.” Alice cut him off. “None of this is your fault, bub.”

 

“No, I know, I just. I could have been more careful.” Blue would never do something so dumb. Maybe this was why he hadn’t wanted to meet. He knew Jacques would blow their cover.

 

“Nope, that’s not how this works.”

 

“It kind of is, though.”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Alice, you can’t just say no without good reason.”

 

“Yes, I can. I am your big sister, and I am smarter than you.”

 

Simon just shook his head. Astonishingly, he was feeling a tiny bit better.

 

He sighed. “There’s no way mom and dad are still awake, right?”

 

“Si, it’s like two in the morning here.”

 

“That’s what I thought.” Simon ran a hand over his face. “I guess I’ll call them in the morning. I want them to hear it from me. Even though, you know, I wanted it to be… not over the phone.”

 

“And not right now,” said Nora.

 

“Yeah, that too.” Simon paused. “I was going to tell you guys soon; you know that, right?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“I just wanted it to be in my own time, you know? I wanted to be able to figure out what to say, and…” He trailed off.

 

“We can try to run interference until you get back, if you want,” offered Nora.

 

Simon shook his head, warmed by the offer as he was. “There’s no way. You’d have to keep them off, like, the whole internet. Dad _loves_ Twitter.”

 

“Only because he can follow as many people as he wants without them friending him.”

 

“Yeah, well. He has about fifteen Facebook friends, let him have this one thing.”

 

Nora made a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a suppressed yawn.

 

“Look, thank you guys for calling, but you can go to sleep. I probably should too, I’m kind of wiped.”

 

“Okay. Good night, bub. We love you a lot.”

 

“We do.”

 

“Love you guys.”

 

As much as Simon felt exhausted, he couldn’t seem to really wind down. He could text his friends to come back to the room, but he didn’t know what he’d say to them. He’d told them he needed some space, which was true, and they’d left without arguing too much. He felt the weight of their pity and anger and protectiveness, and while he was glad they cared about him, it felt weird and wrong. Their good VidCon vibe, the stupid happiness that Abby and Leah were going out, their easy teasing about Bram, cut short.

 

He changed into pajamas, brushed his teeth, washed his face, even flossed. He forced himself to turn his phone off; he’d long ago stopped his phone from sending him Twitter, YouTube, and other social media notifications, but he was getting texts and emails from some random people at school. He also needed to not stay up for the next few hours, endlessly scrolling and watching his life sort of disintegrate online.

 

He turned off all the lights and crawled into bed. He was still wide awake when Nick, Abby, and Leah came back into the room, but he pretended he wasn’t.

 

The con the next day was off. He’d started off the morning with his phone call to his parents, which was enough to put him in a really weird mood. They’d taken it about how he’d expected—his dad tried to joke about it and his mom went full psychologist on him. It wasn’t nearly as comforting as the phone call with Nora and Alice. It felt off, just like everything else.

 

He’d Skyped with Maddie for a few minutes before she had to go to bed. That had been a bit better, but he really wished he could have talked to her longer.

 

He’d ended up being late to the con, which was fine by him, since it wasn’t as much fun as it had been the day before. No one was outright homophobic to him – it was VidCon after all, and Leah was walking next to him with her hackles raised in case anyone got any ideas—but random people kept talking to him, as though they had a right, about his sexuality. They treated him differently, too, even though he was behaving the same. Simon did his best to brush it off and be vague, but it didn’t help.

 

There were even some queer folks, including queer YouTubers, who came up to him to see if he was okay, give him hugs, tell him they supported him. He didn’t know how to take any of this, either. On the one hand, if he’d come out on his own terms, Chase Ross or Kaitlyn Alexander coming to talk to him would have made his entire life. But because it hadn’t been his choice, he felt so, so weird talking about it, so he mostly smiled and nodded until they went away.

 

Simon didn’t even see Bram and Garrett as much as he’d gotten used to. He ran into Bram once outside the main art hall, while they were both on their way to other things. Simon had completely forgotten about the conversation they were supposed to have until they bumped into one another.

 

“Hey, sorry I never texted you last night.”

 

Bram shrugged. “It’s really fine. I know… there’s a lot going on.”

 

There was a weird pause. Even his and Bram’s growing friendship was squashed by this stupid, stupid thing.

 

“Are you okay?” Bram asked.

 

Simon just shrugged.

 

“Well, um, let me know if you want to talk or anything.” Simon couldn’t help but think he didn’t really mean it. “I um…” He gestured vaguely down the hall. “I’ll see you later.”

 

Simon nodded and walked away first.

 

At some point in the midafternoon, he couldn’t take it anymore. He tried to ignore the worry in his friends’ eyes when he told them he needed a break, and no, he didn’t need them to come with him. As he walked away he saw them cluster together to whisper. Leah looked like she was about ready to kill someone.

 

He hated to make them anxious, but he just didn’t know what to do.

 

He wallowed in the hotel room. He felt trapped. He couldn’t go hang out anywhere, because he might get recognized. He’d gained an unprecedented number of followers literally overnight, and while that might be good for his ad revenue, it definitely wasn’t good for his anonymity. Especially at a YouTube convention.

 

It wasn’t good for his mental health, either. There were people who watched his videos solely to leave the ever eloquent comment of “faggot”. Leah had confiscated his phone when he couldn’t stop checking it throughout the morning. He’d forgotten to take it back before coming up to his room. Oh, well. He had his computer, if he wanted to go down that particular black hole.

 

Not that he wanted to want to. He just kind of couldn’t help it.

 

He opened his laptop, feeling overwhelmed and restless. The screen flashed on to show his email, a long somewhat frantic one from Maddie that prompted him to call her. The next tab over was his personal email account, with no number next to it to indicate there were any new emails. This was in stark contrast to the ever growing number of unread emails in his Simon Says account, which he’d started ignoring.

 

He wasn’t just depressed, he realized. He was _angry._ As much as it wasn’t the only thing about him, being gay was, until this point, very big and very personal. He’d shared it first with no one, then with Blue, then his closest friends. He knew he’d want to come out on his channel eventually. _Eventually_. When it could be his choice, his way, to take this personal thing and make it public.

 

The next tab over was his YouTube page, which he almost always kept open. Not out of vanity (well, not entirely), but because there was almost always something to work on his channel. In the past couple years, it had really become his passion. He loved performing and creating, and YouTube was such a good platform to easily do those things, if you had time, some money, and enough determination to see it through.

 

Heart pounding, he grabbed Elena’s ukulele. His head was filled with all the things he might have said if he’d had the chance, words that were effectively stolen from him.

 

Screw that. _Fuck_ that.

 

He wasn’t going to let some asshole with an iPhone take all that away.

 

* * *

 

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 23, 2018 at 5:39pm

SUBJECT: Us

 

Dear Blue,

 

I know I haven’t been the most responsive lately, and I’m sorry. I was more hurt than I let on that you didn’t want to meet me, so I kind of just stopped talking to you, which was shitty of me. I should have said something.

 

I think I’m really starting to get your fear, though. I’m still sad you didn’t want to meet me, but I think I understand why you want to be so careful, if only because I wasn’t careful enough and it ended up kind of terribly. I know you’re here and you watch my videos, so you know what I’m talking about. If not, it’s really easy to figure out.

 

I’m rambling, sorry. What I want to say is, I stopped talking to you, but I didn’t stop _wanting_ to talk to you. In a lot of ways, you’ve become one of my best friends, and I’ve been wanting to tell you everything. I got so used to emailing you basically every day that it was weird not to be sharing stuff with you. Which is weird, since I don’t know your last name. I don’t even know your first name. But I know you. I know that you’re smart and you’re funny and you’re dedicated to everything you do, like your schoolwork and your most favorite sport that you still won’t tell me about. I know you’re weirdly obsessed with Hugh Jackman but also somehow manage to hate Wolverine in all the X-Men movies.

 

I like that we got to know each other from the inside out.

 

It occurred to me that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about you and talking to you and reading your emails and trying to make you laugh. But I haven’t really taken the time to spell it all out for you and put my heart on the line. I have no idea what I’m doing here, but I’m trying to say I like you. Really like you. More than like you. When I flirt with you, it’s not a joke, and when I say I want to meet you, it’s not just because I’m curious. I want to try this. Us. I can't say I know how this ends, but I can’t imagine a scenario where I won’t want to kiss your face off as soon as I see you.

 

Just wanted to make that perfectly clear.

 

But I also want you to know that I do value what we have, so if you’re not ready to be out, or dating, or with someone who was just outed to the world, I completely get it. I just don’t want things to be awkward and terrible between us anymore.

 

But, you know, if you do want to meet, I’m around. I’m attaching my contact info (I _hate_ that they’re called v-cards, don’t you? Who thought of that?) to this email. If you’re staying for Disney day, text me. We can find a ride that doesn’t make you nauseated.

 

I’m going to send this email while I’m still riding this bravery wave.

 

Love,

Simon Spier

 

Bram stared uncomprehendingly at the words on the screen for a few moments, then quickly reread the email.

 

Holy shit.

 

Jacques was Simon Spier.

 

Bram had been fairly sure. Mostly sure. But not positive. And now here was proof.

 

And Simon Spier wanted to date him. Blue. Bram. Whichever, did it matter?

 

Maybe.

 

Jacques/Simon was saying everything Bram ever wanted him to say. At least, everything one part of Bram wanted him to say.

 

If Bram had received this email a day ago, he would have gone for it without hesitating.

 

That was what killed him.

 

Now, he didn’t know what he wanted. With the way he was panicking, though, he was pretty sure he didn’t want to go out with Simon Spier.

 

Well, he did. But he couldn’t. Not like this.

 

If just being Simon’s friend through this whole ordeal was enough to scare him, the thought of dating him now was enough to make him paralyzed. The thought of even introducing himself as Blue where there could be someone watching, now that the world was primed to overanalyze every interaction Simon ever had with another boy…

 

He couldn’t. He just couldn’t. Even if there was definitely a part of him that died a little as he came to that decision.

 

Bram sighed.

 

Maybe next year.

 

Bram knew he should respond to the email. He was glad Simon—no, Jacques—still wanted to be friends, because that was probably the only way this situation could be livable without Bram spiraling into something very like depression.

 

He’d been so close.

 

He also knew that this email would be obscenely difficult to write, so when his phone buzzed next to him on the bed, he welcomed the distraction.

 

_Simon Says, Sing! just uploaded a video: You will be found (cover)_

 

This was a terrible idea.

 

He opened YouTube in a new tab on his laptop and found the video at the top of his subscription feed.

 

**You will be found (cover)**

**1,548 views**

**Simon Says, Sing!**

**Published on June 23, 2018**

**So, unless you live under a rock, you've found out that I'm gay. Not because I told you, but because someone outed me. I wasn't in the closet because I was ashamed, but I was a little scared. But I'm not anymore. And I want to help build a world where no one will ever be as scared as I was. So if you're in the closet, or you feel like you have to hide something about yourself, know you are not alone. And know that one day, you will be found. <3 **

**If you need a friend to carry you:**

**Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/**

**Trans Lifeline: https://www.translifeline.org/**

**Suicide Prevention Lifeline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/**

**There’s tons of other support organizations for people of all genders, sexualities, races, religions, shapes, and sizes. Find support that works for you.**

**Just as a sort of PSA, never out someone. Ever. I am lucky enough that everyone in my life is wonderful and understanding, but even so, this was my thing, and it was stolen from me. In other cases, it might not be safe for a person to be out. Unless you have explicit permission from the person to tell others, or you know for sure that they are out to the person you’re talking to, just don’t mention it. It is an absolutely shitty thing to do.**

**SHOW LESS**

 

Bram wasn’t sure when exactly he started crying while listening to the song. He’d never heard it before, but it was beautiful, and Simon sang it as he sang everything, with raw emotion and abandon. But there was an edge to the emotion, too, beyond love and caring and compassion, some kind of defiance.

 

As much as he had no right to be, Bram was really proud of Simon. For the video, for the description.

 

And as much as both those things were very much public, Bram couldn’t shake the feeling Simon was also reaching through the screen and singing right to him. To Blue. The video was just him and his ukulele, filling up the hotel room with sound. It was more intense than most of his other covers for its simplicity. There was no hesitation; whether this was a spur of the moment thing or not, Simon didn’t need to look down at his uke, and he didn’t hesitate at all with the performance. He stared straight at the camera for almost the entire video.

 

The fact that Simon sent the email and uploaded the video so close together had to mean something, right? Maybe that’s what Simon meant by the wave of bravery. Bram felt like he could do almost anything after listening to that song.

 

Almost.

 

Bram refreshed the page to see the view count jump to over five thousand and listen to the song again.

 

Part of Bram felt terrible for not being able to email back telling Simon who he was. Weirdly, he expected to feel much, much harder on himself for not being brave enough. But maybe this was why people were so obsessed with music—between the email and the song, Bram felt like it was okay to take his time. He felt like Simon, of all people, would understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's chapter 8, pals! Fair warning, we are nearing the end... I wonder how it's going to turn out for these two crazy kids. *thinking emoji*
> 
> As always, thanks for reading, commenting, and kudosing. And thanks to Balthazar, whose input and support has made this fic what it is. 
> 
> This was a really emotional chapter to write, so I just wanted to say that if any of you ever feel lost and alone for any reason, please feel free to reach out to me. My asks and DMs are open. 
> 
> Tumblr: http://ofcourseitsinsidemyhead.tumblr.com/  
> Twitter: @cheshirejkatz
> 
> <3


	9. dear whoever you might be

Simon was really glad his friends weren’t back yet by the time Blue’s reply arrived.

 

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 23, 2018 at 6:10pm

SUBJECT: Us

 

Hey Jacques (is it okay if I still call you that?),

 

Wow. Um. Thanks for the email?

 

That’s not what you say when someone tells you how they feel. I’m sorry to disappoint you again, but I don’t think I can do us, right now. But in the spirit of honesty, not to hold you hostage or anything, because you should definitely go out and date and everything, but I feel the same way.

 

Even before you told me you were Simon freaking Spier. That’s crazy.

 

I’m really sorry about everything you’ve gone through recently. That’s not fair, and nobody deserves that. But your video (you’re right, I do watch them. I’m assuming you figured that out through Tumblr) was really, really amazing. I kind of can’t stop watching it.

 

I’m sorry I can’t be as brave as you.

 

Now I’ll stop talking about all the things I unfairly get to know about you because I know who you are, and we can just go back to how it was before. Well, maybe not exactly, but you’re right, I think I’d go crazy if I totally lost you.

 

So, how was your VidCon? You’re right, it has been super weird not talking for the past few days.

 

\--Blue

 

P.S. Thanks for being the bigger person in all this.

 

 

Simon sighed. He should have known. But he had hoped, and that was what got him.

 

He didn’t blame Blue, though. If anything, he blamed himself for being so careless.

 

Simon read through the email again, and couldn’t help the little speed up his heart did when he read “I feel the same way”.

 

How was he supposed to move on when he knew _that_?

 

He was halfway through a chatty reply when the door to the room burst open and he heard Abby shout, “I FOUND YOU.”

 

Simon barely had time to register what was going on before she ran over and just… picked him up. Bridal style. Abby was freakishly strong. Stupid cheerleading.

 

Simon caught a glimpse of Nick and Leah trailing into the room in her wake. Weirdly, Leah’s eyes were red.

 

Abby put Simon down, and he thankfully landed on his feet and not his butt. Then he saw that she’d been crying, as well.

 

“Guys, is everything okay?”

 

“Absolutely not. You had no right to destroy my feelings with that video,” accused Abby. Then she hugged him _very_ tightly. When she finally let him go, Nick and then Leah both hugged him.

 

“I’m so sorry this has been so hard for you, but goddamn. That video. That was some of your best work, Si.”

 

Simon stared at Abby. “Really? Jeez, it was just me.”

 

Abby raised an eyebrow. “Uh huh.”

 

Leah unlocked her phone and said, “Well, if it was just you, care to explain why Thomas Sanders retweeted it and it has over 100,000 views in less than an hour?”

 

“ _What_?”

 

Leah showed him, first the tweet, then the video, whose view count had climbed faster than any of his other videos ever had.

 

“What the hell.”

 

They all grinned at him for a few seconds, then Abby said, “I know this doesn’t make it all better, but… it’s cool right?”

 

Simon smiled properly for the first time since Friday night. “It sure is.”

 

“And you know we love you a lot, right?” That was from Leah, and the fact that she was the one saying it made Simon tear up. He pulled her into another hug.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Abby was right, it didn’t make it all better, but it did give him enough courage to go back to the con for the last bits of awesome, specifically the prom. He let Abby do his hair and makeup again, because why not, and they all put on fancy clothes and danced the night away. He was recognized by more people than usual, but this time when people came up to him, he didn’t feel hollow inside. This time it was people complimenting him on the video, or telling him how much it meant to them. A couple people cried a little when they talked to him about it, which just made Simon cry, too. Thomas freaking Sanders actually recognized him and told him how much he liked it, which had Simon about ready to combust on the spot.

 

They didn’t make it back to their room until well after one in the morning, throats and bodies sore.

 

While they didn’t quite regret their life choices the next morning, they were a bit sleepy and achy as they got ready to head to Disneyland. They’d decided since they had the whole day (their flight wasn’t until the next afternoon), they didn’t need to get up at the crack of dawn to get to the park, but they hadn’t wanted to sleep until noon, either. Their plan to get to the park by ten only failed by a half an hour, so they were pretty excited as they piled out of the bus and into the sunlight at the most magical place on Earth.

 

“I want to do _everything_.” Abby’s eyes were shining as she stared towards Cinderella’s castle. She looked about as excited as some of the four year olds that were nearby. Simon had to say, he was about on the same level.

 

As they were walking into the park, Nick’s phone buzzed and he announced, “Garrett says he and Bram are almost here, we should meet up with them.”

 

Simon felt a bit awkward, but he tried not to show it. There was going to be more of their friends pushing him and Bram together, but Simon had already decided that even though Blue wasn’t ready, he couldn’t just give up on him. Oh, well. Bram was a cool person, and he and Garrett were fun to hang out with, anyway. If it got too weird, maybe he could figure out a way to ask Leah to put a moratorium on the whole thing. She’d listen to him if he was serious. Probably.

 

They wandered through the shops on Main Street as they waited for Bram and Garrett, and Simon knew he was going to have trouble not spending his entire ad revenue on overpriced but awesome stuff. Once Bram and Garrett got there, they figured it would be best for their wallets to do rides first, and shop later.

 

The park was packed, obviously, but they decided to abandon any semblance of a plan and just wander and go on any ride that sounded fun balanced against the wait time. They spent the longest waiting for Pirates of the Caribbean, because duh, but they came up with stupid games to play as they waited in line. They got distracted and devolved into laughter more than they got properly competitive, so the time didn’t seem that terrible as it passed.

 

Simon couldn’t help but notice that his friends maneuvered a little bit to try and get him and Bram next to one another as much as possible. Garrett was sort of doing the same thing, though not nearly as obviously as the day of the concert. Maybe they were trying to be respectful of everything Simon had been through, at least sort of understanding that he might not want to deal with their shenanigans after all that.

 

But they weren’t _really_ all that subtle about it.

 

They mostly all chatted as a group, and Simon was glad to feel like he and Bram could settle back into the friendship that had formed. They were stopped and recognized a few times, but it was all decently normal.

 

But whenever they had to pair off for rides, Leah and Abby and Garrett and Nick would almost always find a way to sit together, so Simon and Bram would be together. Mostly this was fine, since they just whooped a lot without really talking, though Bram had to close his eyes a lot so he wouldn’t get sick, he said.

 

But it was still a bit weird, and he kind of wished they would stop pushing the two of them together. Especially since if Bram did actually have a crush on him, it wasn’t at all fair to him.

 

After they took a quick lunch break, they wandered into New Orleans Square, where Garrett’s eyes lit up when he saw the Haunted Mansion.

 

Leah rolled her eyes when he insisted they get in line. “You know it’s not actually scary, right?”

 

“Yeah, but it’s still amazing.” Garrett was the only one of their group who’d actually been to Disney before (World, not Land, but still). The house did look very cool, and it would be inside and therefore air conditioned, so Garrett eventually won.

 

The line moved pretty fast, so before they knew it they were being welcomed by the ghost host. The narration was more funny than creepy, but there were some kids that shrieked at the flashing lights and loud noises. It was fun to see them having fun, and the level of immersion was legitimately awesome.

 

Then they were being herded onto the ride itself, in pairs (again). Leah and Abby grabbed hands and took a cart for themselves, then Nick and Garrett, then Bram and Simon.

 

Simon was glad the ride was so loud and unruly. It didn’t leave much room to talk. Each room was insanely detailed, and Simon found himself turning his head constantly to try not to miss anything. When they were in the ballroom, though, the ride came to a sudden halt. The noises and moving parts were still going all around them, but the carts were no longer moving on the track.

 

“Apparently this happens a lot,” Bram half-shouted.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, something to do with the ride.” Bram smiled wryly. “I also read somewhere that people try to scatter ashes of loved ones on this ride, and whenever someone does that they have to stop the whole thing and deal with the biohazard.”

 

Simon couldn’t help but laugh. “No way.”

 

“No, it’s true. Imagine if you wanted to have your ashes scattered in Disneyland, and you just end up in a vacuum bag.”

 

“Tragic.”

 

Bram chuckled, and they settled into silence. It wasn’t exactly awkward, but Simon couldn’t help but wonder if Bram noticed how much their friends pushed them together. If Garrett was doing it, maybe there was a reason. And maybe that reason was Bram had told Garrett he liked Simon. Which, if it was, Simon owed it to Bram to say something.

 

And if it wasn’t, this conversation was going to be _super_ awkward.

 

“Hey,” he said suddenly. He couldn’t really look at Bram, which was somewhat easy to do since they were both facing forward watching ghosts dance, but out of the corner of his eye he saw Bram shift. Somewhat uncomfortably. Or maybe he was reading way too much into this.

 

“Um, so I know you obviously know I’m gay, since you’ve seen all the shit on the internet and also probably my video, I’m guessing. But also like, I don’t know if you’ve seen how much my friends have been kind of pushing us together?”

 

Bram definitely looked a little uncomfortable now, but there was no stopping the word vomit.

 

“So yeah, I mean on the off chance that you’re queer too, and did maybe like me, I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re really cool and definitely crush worthy, but there’s this guy who I’ve liked for a really long time who I don’t really want to give up on, so yeah. I’m sorry if I got your hopes up or anything.”

 

Bram was quiet, and Simon couldn’t look at him.

 

“And if you’re straight, or not into me, or whatever, just pretend I didn’t say anything and we can be friends, since you’re a great guy.”

 

“I’m Blue.”

 

Bram said it so quietly, and it was so out of left field, that Simon thought he hallucinated it for a minute. He had to look over at Bram _now_.

 

“What?”

 

“I’m Blue.” Bram was staring straight forward, looking… intense. Mad? Nervous? Simon couldn’t tell.

 

Literally speechless, Simon could only stare.

 

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to tell you because I wasn’t ready. I’m not sure I am, but…” He looked down, and it was hard to tell because it was kind of dark, but he might have been blushing.

 

Simon’s heart pounded.

 

“I’m still not sure I am, but then you had to go and say that.” Finally, finally, he looked up at Simon. “I told you not to wait for me.” He grinned and shook his head.

 

“It’s you.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You’re bluegreen118?”

 

“Yeah. Bram Louis Greenfeld, my birthday is January 18th.”

 

Simon’s brain was short circuiting, so all he could do was start laughing. Bram did, too, though he looked confused.

 

“You’re not mad at me?” Bram asked.

 

“What? No!” That was the last possible question he thought Blue would ask when they finally met. “I mean, I was a little bit maybe, but I was mostly just sad you didn’t want to meet. Then I met this really cool guy at VidCon and it sucked because I wanted to be more into him but I couldn’t because I had this giant crush on the guy I’d been emailing with for months… But you know, it’s cool since they’re the same person.”

 

Bram chuckled, and Simon’s heart beat even harder.

 

“Yeah, well I was pretty sure you were Jacques, I just didn’t think we’d meet in person before I knew for sure.”

 

“Wait, how?”

 

“I had a very long, very pathetic list of clues.”

 

“No freaking way.”

 

“Oh yeah. It was pretty sad, if I do say so myself.”

 

They grinned at one another until the ride lurched back to life, jolting them back to some semblance of reality.

 

“Um, so what now?” Simon asked.

 

“Honestly, I’m not totally sure.”

 

“Well, what do you want?”

 

Simon couldn’t quite tell, but Bram’s eyes might have flicked down to his mouth. He felt like he was going to explode.

 

“Could I maybe… hold your hand? Just in here, though. I don’t think–“

 

“Yeah, Bram, I get it.” If anyone saw Simon holding hands with anyone, the speculation would be rampant. But for now…

 

Bram slid their hands together and their fingers intertwined. The feeling going off in Simon’s chest was up there with the best he’d ever experienced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK THE LORD THEY FINALLY GOT IT TOGETHER, AMIRIGHT????
> 
> So this was originally going to be longer/the last chapter, but I'm still working on the ending, sooooo you get some rearranged chapter titles (the astute among you may have noticed) and an extra week of waiting! I'm doing NaNoWriMo, so juggling working on two stories is taking some doing. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! Thanks as ever to Balthy, whose comments on the Haunted Mansion scene are truly things of beauty. 
> 
> Comments and kudos make my life, as always :)


	10. I'm still waiting patiently

Bram was loathe to let go of Simon’s hand as their car came out of the tunnel, but he had no idea where they were going to go from here. Until he had a handle on that, he’d rather their friends didn’t know.

 

That didn’t stop him from holding Simon’s hand every chance he got. Whenever they sat next to one another alone on any ride, he’d glance over, and by unspoken agreement they’d wind their fingers together. Bram had never before understood the appeal of holding someone’s hand. Now, he figured, that was because he’d never really been attracted to anyone before. Not like this. Sometimes when he and Simon were walking next to one another their arms would brush, and Bram would actively have to control his breathing to not give himself away.

 

It was only bearable because somehow, Simon seemed to feel it too.

 

The day went by entirely too quickly, though Bram tried to hold onto moments as they came and went. The way Simon’s t-shirt stuck to him as they walked out of Splash Mountain, all of them laughing and sopping wet. Abby’s (and by extension, Leah’s) giggly glee as she looked for the prettiest horse to ride on the carousel. Garrett’s delighted hollering on Space Mountain. How hard Bram laughed when Simon elbowed him and asked if he wanted to go on the teacups.

 

As corny as it was, Bram’s favorite part might have been the fireworks show. He’d always loved fireworks, ever since he was a little kid. It was something he and his dad really bonded over, something his mom wasn’t quite as into. He always spent either Fourth of July or New Year’s (sometimes both) with his dad since the divorce. He loved that there was this thing that humans did just for the sake of it being beautiful and exciting. The colors and the noise worked to drive everything but the wonder out of his head. It made everything seem lighter and easier, like there was nothing to be worried about.

 

Of course, Disney really knew how to put on a fireworks show.

 

Because it was dark, and because all eyes were on the sky, Bram felt brave enough to link a finger with one of Simon’s. He heard, but probably only because he was listening for it, Simon’s sharp intake of breath.

 

For a few minutes, Bram let himself imagine what it would be like to date Simon. The good things about being out, rather than the stuff that scared him. He’d be able to hold Simon’s hand whenever he wanted. They could email and Skype and visit one another. They could be sappy on social media, and post stupid videos when they were together.

 

Bram only let go to clap when the fireworks were over.

 

When the park closed at midnight, the six of them made their way back to the hotel, exhausted but still wired. Bram was trying to figure out a way to talk to Simon alone without attracting too much attention from the rest of their group when Abby announced they should go swimming. Bram didn’t even have to look at Simon before they were both refusing. The rest of them shrugged before stripping down to underwear and splashing into the empty pool, trying to keep it somewhat down so no one would come outside and yell at them.

 

Bram and Simon settled into deck chairs at what Bram hoped was an inconspicuous distance. The eerie blue glow from the pool lit up Simon’s light hair, and it made his eyes look almost black.

 

Simon looked over from the pool to Bram and caught him staring. “Hi,” he said quietly.

 

“Hi.”

 

Abby and Garrett’s whoops from the pool made them look over, to see that their friends were playing boys versus girls chicken. Abby was on Leah’s shoulders and Nick was on Garrett’s, and they looked like they were having a great time, if a loud one. Bram felt weirdly disconnected from it. Not in a bad way, necessarily, but with all the emotions churning inside him, it was hard for him to feel like he could just be silly with his friends.

 

“Do you think they’d notice if we just left?” Simon whispered.

 

Bram grinned. “Not immediately.”

 

They slowly wandered inside and towards the elevators, but when Bram saw that the hotel convenience store was still open, he had an idea.

 

“Are you hungry?”

 

“Yeah, a little,” Simon replied, looking adorably confused.

 

“Wait here.”

 

Simon’s face lit up when Bram came back carrying a pint of milk and a bunch of Oreo to go cups.

 

“I still kind of can’t believe it’s you,” he mumbled, shaking his head as he pressed the elevator button. Then, color rising in his cheeks, he asked, “Should we go to your guys’ room or ours?”

 

Even though Bram knew they needed to talk, the idea of being alone with Simon in a hotel room was making his brain jump at least fifteen steps ahead. “Um,” he started, voice cracking a bit, “ours, I guess?”

 

They were quiet as they made their way to Bram and Garrett’s room, where Bram sat on the bed and Simon sat at the desk chair. It wasn’t awkward as much as it was charged. Bram knew he needed to say something, but he didn’t quite know how.

 

“I meant what I said in the email, you know,” Simon said quietly. “If you’re not ready to be out, or date, or whatever, I totally understand. We can keep emailing, and maybe visit each other if you’re comfortable with that, I’m not sure where you’re going to school, but we can figure something out, I guess–“

 

“Simon.” His rambling was even cuter in person than it was online, but Bram figured he needed to nip it in the bud if they were going to get anywhere. His heart was pounding, but weirdly, Simon’s insistence that they didn’t need to go fast made Bram feel like everything would be okay if they did. “I’m all in if you are.”

 

“All in like what? Like… dating?” Simon slowly stood and came to sit next to Bram on the bed. “Like boyfriend?”

 

Bram grinned. He couldn’t help himself. “Yeah.”

 

“You’re my boyfriend.”

 

“If you want.”

 

“Yeah, I think I do.”

 

Bram didn’t even have time to be anxious or excited before Simon kissed him. Then he was too lost in the feeling to worry about the fact that this was his first kiss, whether he was doing it badly, whether Simon was as into it as he was. His brain was in overdrive in the best way, trying to log every movement and sensation being transmitted by his nerve endings.

 

Bram probably would never have thought to stop, or never would have wanted to, but Simon’s phone buzzed several times in quick succession, then Bram’s phone did the same.

 

Simon pulled back, smiling, and it was quite possibly the most beautiful thing Bram had ever seen.

 

“I think they might have noticed we left.”

 

Bram laughed and reluctantly checked his phone.

 

_yesss get it dude_

_which room are you guys in, I can totally crash with Nick and the girls if you want some private time ;)_

“Yeah, I think it’s safe to say they’ve noticed,” Bram replied, heat rising in his face.

 

Simon was giggling and groaning. “All three of them texted me the same thing, so… yeah.”

 

Frustratingly, Bram could feel anxiety and tension bubbling up in his stomach. It had been so nice just to kiss Simon and not worry about any of this… but he’d done a lot of brave things today, so he could bite the bullet and say this.

 

“Garrett is asking if he should sleep in the other room.” Bram was ashamed of how his voice came out barely a whisper.

 

Simon flushed. “Um. I mean, we shouldn’t do anything we’re not comfortable with, but like–I mean, I don’t want us to rush into anything just because we’re kind of diving into this and immediately doing long distance. Like, I know we won’t see each other for maybe a while, but we can make it work, but I don’t know, I also think it would be kind of nice to spend time just the two of us, and… yeah.” He shrugged. “Sorry, rambling again.”

 

Bram smiled, both relieved and still a bit anxious all at once. “That’s okay. I’m, um, glad you don’t want to push it. But it would be nice to have some alone time. Real alone time, not on some roller coaster.”

 

“Cool,” Simon said, typing something quickly into his phone. “That should take care of that.” It buzzed a few more times right away, but Simon ignored it and kissed Bram again.

 

They made out until Bram’s stomach grumbled, making them both giggle, then they made Oreo mush and ate that while talking about what felt like everything under the sun. Comics, musicals, everything in between.

 

“Oh, guess who was apparently bisexual?”

 

Simon half smiled, anticipating the joke. Bram couldn’t really believe this was happening. “Who?”

 

Bram grinned. “Casanova.”

 

Simon let out a burst of laughter. “No freaking way.”

 

“Yeah, apparently he was. That was my dad’s response when I came out.”

 

“That’s kind of adorable, actually.”

 

“Yeah, that’s kind of my dad in a nutshell.” Bram nudged Simon’s shoulder. “Maybe I _should_ read the book and see if he has any tips for picking up guys.”

 

Simon shoved him back. “Wow, am I already that bad of a boyfriend?”

 

Instead of answering, Bram just kissed him again.

 

They lost track of time after that, but they must have dozed off at some point, because before they knew it there was sunlight filtering through the window and Simon’s phone was buzzing. He didn’t move much from his spot snuggled against Bram’s chest–which, wow– when he answered.

 

Bram could hear enough to hear it was Abby on the other end, but he didn’t bother trying to eavesdrop. Instead, he admired how tousled Simon’s hair was and tried not to think about the fact that they wouldn’t be able to do something like this for a long time.

 

When Simon hung up, he buried his face in Bram’s shirt. “I have to go pack,” came his muffled voice.

 

“Yeah,” Bram replied. “We should probably let Garrett back in here.” When he checked his own phone, he saw he had a few missed texts from Garrett, including one asking if they were decent. Bram studiously avoided replying to that bit, and texted Garrett to come down in ten minutes, to which Garrett replied,  _AWWWWWW YEAHHHHHHHH._ Bram just rolled his eyes and tossed his phone on the pillow next to him. 

 

Simon sat up and pulled his knees to his chest. “Is it completely corny that I have ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’ stuck in my head right now?”

 

“Probably,” Bram admitted.

 

Simon started humming the song, which was about enough to make Bram lose his mind. It was weird how he could be so happy and so sad at the same time.

 

“We’ll see each other, though,” Bram said, weirdly feeling like crying. “Atlanta’s not that far from Savannah, and we’re both going to school in the northeast.”

 

That was something they’d discovered the night before. Haverford and NYU were less than two hours away from one another, and there were plenty of buses and trains that could get you from one to the other.

 

“Yeah,” Simon admitted. “Plus, it’s not like we don’t have a lot of practice having a long distance relationship.”

 

Bram laughed. “That’s definitely true.”

 

Simon shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s not that I don’t think we can make it work, it’s just sad. I wish we had more time to just be together.”

 

“Me too.” Bram smiled. “But this was a pretty great 24 hours.”

 

Simon grinned. “The best.”

 

* * *

 

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 25, 2018 at 7:42 pm

SUBJECT: why are you so far from me?

 

Dear Simon,

 

I know we basically just got off the phone, but I thought we should start strong with these emails. Plus, I already miss you.

 

My mom said something in the car about how cheerful I seemed. I told her I just had a really great time at VidCon, which isn’t a lie, but I feel like she knew I was leaving something out. I’ll tell her soon, probably later tonight or tomorrow, but it feels like there’s so much to explain. If you want to help me come up with a simplified version of the past few months, that would be great. Not that we need to coordinate our stories to lie to our parents, but something easier than “we started emailing anonymously then met in person but didn’t _know_ we met in person then figured it out and started dating” would be nice. Besides, I don’t really know if my mom would approve of online dating. She’s read entirely too much about Grindr.

 

I’m also already trying to figure out when I could drive out to see you. Is there any way your parents would let me stay with you over Fourth of July weekend, maybe? Or I don’t know, maybe I’ll bring Garrett and we could stay with Nick or Leah. Not Abby. Her dad sounds _terrifying_. I honestly feel a bit bad for Leah, but they’ll be off at UGA soon, so I suppose it’s not so bad.

 

Talk to you soon.

 

Love,

Bram

 

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

DATE: Jun 25, 2018 at 8:24 pm

SUBJECT: why are you so far from me?

 

Dear Blam,

 

I’ve decided to call you Blam in these emails, since it’s a cool portmanteau (thanks for the new vocab word–you’re so smart, do you know that?) of your name and your superhero name, plus it sounds like a comics sound effect. You know, BLAM! POW! SNIKT! That kind of thing.

 

We’ll see how long it lasts.

 

I’m glad you already miss me, because I already miss you, too. I was starting to edit the footage from VidCon, and I started with our collab because I miss your face so much. You’re adorable, do you know that? And you know _nothing_ about musicals. We have to fix this.

 

I know what you mean about telling parents. Mine were understandably somewhat hovery and smothery when I got home, after the… you know what, let’s just call it the incident. Alice and Nora want to have a sibling powwow, and I told them we could do that in a bit. I think I’m going to tell them first, so I’ll let you know how that goes, and if I come up with anything simpler to tell the folks.

 

And I would obviously love if you (and I guess Garrett :P just kidding he’s great) came for the 4th! Honestly, I think staying with Nick would be your best bet, since my parents have already made some uncomfortable comments about how I maybe can’t have Nick sleep over anymore…

 

I am _so_ ready for college.

 

Also, speaking of the footage from VidCon… I know you said you were okay with coming out on your channel soon, maybe, but… are you sure? Because I do _not_ want to put this footage out there if you are at all unsure. We are very clearly pining, and people would be all over you right away. Even if they couldn’t prove anything from the video, it’s… kind of obvious. Just saying. We’re idiots, but it’s okay, because we’re better now.

 

Love,

Jacquesmon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, guys. We did it. We made it. I'm honestly a bit bummed, but all good things must end. 
> 
> First of all, I want to give the BIGGEST thank you to [Balthazar](http://thealpacalypse.tumblr.com/), without whose love, support, and betaing, this story would not exist. And even if it did, it would have WAY more typos. But in all seriousness, they're the one who encouraged me to write this, keep writing it, and helped this fic develop into something better than I could have imagined on my own. So thanks <3
> 
> Second of all, I wanted to thank all of you reading this for your astounding support. It's been a really long time since I've written fic for a big fandom/pairing, and the response has been... nuts. Thank you for reading, for your kudos and comments. The SVTHSA fandom (and by extension, the Love, Simon fandom, though I don't consider myself in that one) are full of such lovely people who just want to flail over some queer kids, and that's beautiful. 
> 
> Third of all, I want to say that even though this is the last chapter, I might not be done with this universe! I have an idea for an epilogue of sorts, which in all likelihood will be posted as a part of this story, but I might make it its own one shot, we'll see. I also kind of want to do the Amazing Bi Adventures of Leah and Abby that takes place during VidCon, because there is a CRIMINAL lack of Leah/Abby fic on this website. 
> 
> If you're into that kind of thing, feel free to follow me on here or on [tumblr](http://ofcourseitsinsidemyhead.tumblr.com/) for updates. Or, you know, just talk to me on tumblr about this or any of my other fandoms. I'm WAY obsessed with audio drama podcasts these days. 
> 
> So, before this author's note gets longer than the actual chapter...
> 
> TL;DR: Thank you for reading <3


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